POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: THE SUPERHERO IN YOUR HEAD

You wake up slowly to the Saturday alarm on your phone, you know, the iPhone with the cracked screen and ugly oversized case “protecting” your selfie maker. You roll over to see your partner, who only hours ago lit up the night with their caffeinated smile and brand new skinny jeans, is now face-f&*king the pillow covered in eyeliner. You’re no better either, reeking of Tequila and Mexican food or maybe sushi…really, sushi sucks. Eat a burger you punk bitch.

            Anyways, you stumble into the bathroom to confess your sins and blast shower water that’s so hot, Dustin Hoffman would cringe in his sleep. After spending a few extra minutes in the shower trying to figure out where the bite marks on your nipples came from, you place both feet on the cold floor and stare straight-faced into the mirror as the minty bristles begins to coat your gums. This is the exact moment where Superheroes are born.

            While brushing your teeth or shaving your face, ladies not excluded, you go thru the days schedule and somehow saving the world fits in nicely between the days errands. You give the mirror that far away look, while lifting your shoulders and flexing your biceps. For that one intimate moment, you imagine the fate of the world relying on if you finished all your shopping on time.

            So what if you don’t have any combat training or cool gadgets? The fact is we all have a certain power, a kind of “Superpower” if you want to call it that. Maybe your not as strong or as angry as The Incredible Hulk, but if the Yankees keep giving up 3-run Jacks to Detroit, that 55 inch Plasma is easily seeing daylight as it pierces the glass and lands on the front lawn. Maybe your ride isn’t invisible or as fast as Wonder Woman’s plane, but once a month if you have a poor choice of words for your lady friend, she can quickly make your balls vanish into your stomach with just the surface of her foot. See? Superpowers. We have them. So what’s your Superpower? What superhero can you relate to? Let me say this before you get ahead of yourself, nobody can be Superman. He wasn’t born on this planet so he’s technically an alien. So unless you crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico back in 1948, stick to those who were born or created on this planet at least. That means Thor is out too. However, maybe you have qualities similar to Batman, your friends are always in trouble after the sun goes down and you have to spring into action to bail them out of a situation…or jail.

Maybe you’re like Catwoman and you have a certain affinity for leather, whips and causing the trouble instead of getting people out of it.

Maybe you’re like Spiderman and came out of the closet at an early age. The point is that you have options!

            I personally enjoy The Hulk, but he has a knack for destroying just as much stuff as he fixes, so I’ll pass on the big green guy, plus his wardrobe sucks.

            I’m locked in on Captain America. Patriotic, yet isn’t afraid to question his government, rocks a cool blue outfit; which is my favorite color, but my biggest link to good ole Steve Rogers is the amount of punishment he takes throughout his path to victory. You can beat his ass over and over again, but he will defend his territory, friends and ideals to the death.

Have I given you enough information to help think about what caped crusader you may be more like? My advice, go stand in front of the bathroom mirror, hit your coolest pose that you’ve perfected since the age of 11, then find a nice comfy spot and grab yourself a beer…or a bong. Now proceed to just use your imagination and consider these two questions, what kind of hero are you and how will you save the day?