A VERY HIPSTER HOLIDAY

“Merry Christmas sweetheart, here’s the keys to a 1984 Volvo Station-Wagon, an iPad 7 that costs more than the Volvo, and a gift certificate to Starbucks so you can sit alone in the corner while sipping your 9 dollar vanilla frappa-dorko”.

            …It’s not fun getting your ass kicked in an overpriced argyle sweater vest.

If you’re confused, I’m referring to the loud life of the modern day hipster. If you’re really confused, I’ll backtrack even further…the world is round, woman can vote, and being gay is not a detainable offense, unless you live in Russia.

Now let us not confuse a hipster with any other group of moderately privileged white people. Grunge was not a hipster movement; this was a movement of anger and rebellion.  The 60’s were not a hipster movement, this was a media based changing of the times. Coffee Shops and Blogging had nothing to do with it. Hipsters can simply be compared to H.I.V.; they mutate rapidly and are nearly impossible to kill.

However, unlike “the HIV”, hipsters have a place in American Society and deservedly so. Yes someone who only watches Indie movies that never made it to theaters, buys ‘Death Cab For Cutie’ tickets on pre-sale, shows off to everyone their new overpriced black-framed eyeglasses to make themselves look more intelligent/geeky and when you see the glasses, you’re less likely to punch them in the face and go for a body blow instead; which probably will be cushioned by the thickness of their argyle sweater, the fact that their grammar is so overly correct and pronounced you just want to puke on their plastic boat shoes, or that…ok, I’ve veered off course too much this time. Let’s reset this before the “blogging hipster” takes an axe to my front door…oh I forgot, hipsters don’t have any muscles, and yet you can’t take one out while in traffic. Ever tried to t-bone a Volvo Wagon? Car has more protection on it than some of the Hum-V’s in Iraq.

Look I don’t hate hipsters, I just find them very easy to make fun of, because like Headline News or Locust, they tend to move from one craze to another without truly understanding the depth of it; they just consume it until its useless or doesn’t draw any further attention. Sadly, they ruined the appeal of boat shoes, but nobodies losing sleep over the appeal of Pabst Blue Ribbon. It’s a garbage beer, but someone has to drink it and it helps immensely when you’re constipated. So I guess instead of Locust, we’ll compare them to spiders, we don’t like them when they’re in our home, but they have a place in our world and they help get rid of the mosquitoes. Volvos are hideous cars, but hipsters are generally very safe drivers making the Volvo even safer than it already is. And no one despises The Kardashian’s more than the hipster population. I’m sure the hipsters have a plan to over-inflate her gigantic ass with hydrogen so when she rubs her sagging booty against Kanye’s overpriced leather pants, the static electricity created should hopefully create the explosive effect we’ve all been pining for as she goes down in flames like the Hindenburg after veering to close to that Radio Tower. Stupid Nazis.

Hipsters are simply prototype guinea pigs for the common man to sample from, whether it’s clothing, music, food, politics or art. They disgust us at times, but can also inspire us to where we can perfect our own style, our own thoughts, our own view on life as an individual. But don’t confuse kindness with weakness, as long as the hipster stays in their lane, trims their beard, hands over their wallet, girlfriend and ‘Modest Mouse’ tickets, I will with all my strength, defend their right to open up an Artisan Bagel Shoppe in Brooklyn.

They’re not frauds…they’re founders.