COLLEGE BOUND & GAGGED

When one loses something, it’s always important to retrace your steps as this method has a very high success rate in finding whatever it is that you misplaced. So be sure to apply this method when you completely lose your goddamn mind after seeing your overall debt from two to four years of college where you spent an easy six figures just to land your dream job making thirteen dollars an hour and working six days a week making your financial situation more stretched out then Octo-Mom on the delivery table.

      Newsflash, we’re not all doctors and accountants, would you really want me planning out your cancer treatments? “Alright Mrs. Morrison, you need to up your daily spoonfuls of sugar from two to four and remember to schedule your weekly marshmallow injections here at the office.”  My mother always told me that Jolly Ranchers beat Leukemia all day, so I trust her judgment. However why do current curriculums allow college students to believe that degrees in English Literature or Illustration are useful in the real world? Yeah I’ll be the first one in line to congratulate you on this piece of paper with raised lettering that took you four years to get and cost eighty grand and you can’t start paying back the principal of the loan because your bachelors degree Douchemaker State College will land you a promising job waiting tables at a Mexican themed restaurant that boasts about it’s mediocre Chimichangas.

      Every recent article I’ve read says that going to college returns on average much less in the current economy, but not going at all is a career death sentence. So you have an option between being in debt by the time you turn 21 or you can be turned down for almost every single administrative job that would pay you just enough to land you a studio apartment just outside the city. Oh, and expect to be driving the same car that you’ve had since high school, you know the Volkswagon Golf with the missing hubcaps and cassette player. You’ll be so broke that you won’t able to afford even your own personality.

      Now please understand, the situation in the states is probably not going to improve anytime soon, so instead of throwing in the towel and feeding off the government like a lot of obese calorie hoarders in this country, let’s make the most out of what we have and turn this s&#t sandwich into a nice chicken salad. First off, that Volkswagon is a huge plus when it comes to gas prices, it seats four, tires are less expensive and you plenty of room in the hatchback for where you plan to travel. So I say schedule it for a strong tune up, replace the rims with some highway friendly factory wheels and make sure you keep up on the cosmetic appearance as well. Pretty soon your 200,000 mile, fifteen year-old backroad bomber is transformed into a respectable post college hipster mobile. Also the backseats fold down for extra storage and if you have an iPod or MP3 player, that cassette deck turns into your very own DJ Tiesto!

      I mentioned studio apartments earlier…I actually am a fan of the one room party pad, cuz let’s be honest, roommates suck. They never clean up, they’re late on the rent, they eat all your groceries, and forget to lock the door. I say what better way to learn how to become a more responsible adult then to manage 400 square feet of hardwood heaven. You can “Craigslist” decorate anyway you choose, choose your own cable and internet plan (if you want any at all) plus your cereal and ramen noodles will still be there in the morning and not be eaten by that smelly vermin you call a roommate. Your own little spot that noone can alter or take away from you…unless your late on the rent.

      As for choosing colleges, unless you’re smart enough for a four degree in a legitimate paying field, go for a two year degree in a high demand field or at least a more job market friendly degree. An Associates degree on average can render just as much reward as a Bachelors degree. Plus you’re not burnt out after two years, you’re ready to hit the market and make some kind of paycheck. Internships are recommended if you can find them. Don’t expect anything from anyone including your parents or immediate family. They can barely afford to look at you, let alone pay for your tuition or rent, plus if you plan on having a safe social life, colleges are cracking down on partying due to the increased liability that causes room and board prices to skyrocket. So it’s financially smarter to just get your own place off campus so that you can sip your cheap whisky in peace and quiet, plus you can peacefully get your rocks either by yourself or with the opposite sex without an assigned roommate barging in unexpectedly because they were just kicked out of math class.

      So let’s see what we have so far, a decent car, an apartment, a degree in a good field, and a completely private social life. By living off campus, your college debt will be much lower, you’ll save a bunch of money in gas with your little front-wheel drive grocery getter, and if you live near the city center, you can also walk to places which also comes in handy incase you need jimmy hats or had a little too much…alcohol. I can only complain about the education system and the economy so much, it’s up to you to make the best out of the situation that’s available.

      As for an inexpensive beer, I recommend either Schaefer or Narrangansett. Trust me, Pabst Blue Ribbon is only for if you have a fiber deficiency.