FIRST DATE

Most guys have two pairs of jeans, one with holes and one without holes; Gals have an entire catalog of clothing, none of which that seem to be of any value come that first date. Even if the guy they found in the internet seems more like a throw-away than a potential keeper, they still prefer dressing for success. The reason is that while the date is going along with awful conversation about jobs, weather and past relationships, the girl is scanning the room for potential that she may consider after she hastily discards of the sweaty-palmed GameStop Assistant Manager. Her social media has been updated since she went to the bathroom to “pee”, so now every person knows that not only is she on a first date, but that it’s going as well as the Titanic’s maiden voyage. Also as the dude is struggling to achieve simple conversation, that piece of ass that she has on standby just texted her because his night just opened up coincidently shortly after her S.O.S. post on Facebook only a few minutes earlier.  So as she says goodnight to her date with a fake smile and a half-hearted hug, the guy flees around the corner to blast out that Cool Ranch Dorito fart he’s been holding in for the entire date before heading home and pleasuring himself with cocoa butter, while the girl who says she’s going home to let her cat out is actually heading over to Tyler’s place for a well-coordinated backup booty call…Meow. Let’s try to figure out what went wrong.

            FYI, I also have problems maintaining more than two or three decent pairs of jeans, it seems that a couple pair will cease to be wearable within days of one another and if I leave the store with five new pairs, two or three pair will randomly burst into flames, but I digress. Back to the main topic, first off ladies, that guy your meeting for the first time is single for a reason, he either trolls for lost souls on multiple dating sites so he can build up an arsenal of ladies or his gingivitis reaches your nostrils before his words do. The guy also likely rubbed one out right before the date so that it would be less stressful, so believing that he probably didn’t wash his hands properly, you strategically go for a little hug over a handshake…but that was a poor decision also. To avoid any accidental snot rockets, the guy chronically picked his nose all while in his car and before he had a chance to eat the last one, the girl came around the corner; which surprised him. He panics and when the girl goes in for the lazy hug, Johnny Rocket Snot conveniently deposits the sticky DNA onto the back of her blouse. If I smell my food before I eat, you should smell your date’s hands before shaking them. If they seem a little salty, then everything is fine. If they smell like they’ve been out in the field picking mushrooms, bolt for the door.

            Men, take note, if the ladies do not text or contact you within a week after the date, it’s official that you’ve been written off.  So never bother texting the girl first, if they’re not hitting you up for any reason, just move on.  Never be the first one to text after a first date. If they’ve forgotten about you, then they’re not worth pursuing at that time.

            This s#&t isn’t made up people, this is very common. Unless you’re a goddamn Astronaut, women don’t care about what you do for work, ladies treat men like used cars, they look around the lot, determine the mileage and peace out. As for guys unless you’re looking for short term companionship, don’t use your Willy Wonka as a compass, it’s partially blind and has no brain in the immediate area.

There may be a part two to this in the future, but for now, start with this information and see what happens.  Love is in the air.