FOUR COURSE MEAL: PART THREE

Financing your junk food:

          I’d be lying if I said I’ve never brought outside food into a movie theater. I also know it’s my own damn fault if I was caught. However judging from rising ticket prices and the stupid amount theaters charge for most concessions, this is a tradition I’m happy to continue honoring. For the amount of movies I see in a year and the prices I pay for IMAX, I’m sure they can afford me rolling in with a bag of Twizzlers. Sadly, there’s no way around popcorn and soda. Soda can risky, but popcorn is just implausible. That’s where they tighten the noose on the consumer. When you as the minimum wage counter person though are going to stand there and charge me six dollars for a bag of popcorn that I’m going to spill forty-five minutes into the movie, are you really surprised when people give a look that could kill cancer? And as far as fructose, when you charge five dollars for a fountain soda when down the street at the convenience store a thirty-two ounce cost seventy-nine cents, don’t be surprised when most theater-goers start showing up in cargo pants. Starbucks thinks your prices are inflated.

 

Spousal Flatulence:

          Why is this tolerated? How goddamn lazy is someone that they can’t simply retreat to a bathroom to let off a little steam, they have to announce their presence by blowing up living rooms across America and send helpless women and children into seclusion in other parts of the home. Burping is one thing, but crop-dusting loved ones on purpose should be punishable by death. Ladies you’re not off the hook either, the first time can be funny, cute and loveable, the second time is when I look for my relationship receipt and consider a refund. It’s not my fault you ordered the garlic butter French fries, either stick your ass out the car on the ride home or get used to riding in the trunk. I didn’t buy this car freshener only to hear you burn a hole in my passenger seat. Knock it off.

 

Breast Augmentation:

          I appreciate breasts for what they are and when a woman decides that their breasts are in need of some type of improvement, then you won’t hear a peep out of me. I look at this way; you’re sitting in the delivery room and Doctor Steinberg comes to you congratulating you the man on a beautiful new set of twins. Coochy coooo! Can you say Dada? Now when a man sees real breast, it can be intense, dramatic, serious to the point where they can’t really be enjoyed. Now fake breasts, it’s all a party! They bounce and lean differently and make you smile like when a child sees their first ice cream. It’s joyful and lighthearted. Fake breasts remind us all that life’s meant to be enjoyed. Women get them for so many reasons, so men should enjoy them for just as many.

 

Patent Trolls Update:

            Recently, Podcasters have taken up arms against Personal Audio, a company out of Texas that holds certain patents that they claim entertainers such as Adam Carolla and others are in clear violation of. I will spare you the boring details this time of the wording of the patents, but it boils down to if Mcdonalds went to Burger King and said, “we put pickles on our burger first, so you can’t do that!” I have a pickle for Personal Audio, guess where they can stick it? A donation firm called E.F.F. recently won a court decision saying that Personal Audio’s subpoena to obtain information donors information was deemed in a way, “unconstitutional” under the first amendment. So this will help protect the privacy of those crowdfunding donors who choose to stay private with their information. As far as my stance, Positive Sarcasm stands completely behind the podcasters, the subscribers, the crowdfunding companies and the donors who’ve supported them. However, this is far from over.