JAMES BOND, 00FENSIVE?

Unlike our favorite British Secret Agent, I sadly do not have a license to kill. However, I do have creative license to piss a few people off, so maybe this will draw some similarities to the infamous tuxedo wearing, gadget wielding, lady slayer that is one of the last few symbols of masculinity left in this world.

            Knowing fully well of his love for booze and bed wrecking, women since the cinematic debut of ‘Dr. No’ in 1962; still hold a certain James Bond close to their heart, and maybe a few other areas as well. But why in a time where news media and social media purposely over-inflate garbage news stories, which all conform to the restrictions of political correctness; does a mythical man like this still exist on the big screen? Sadly, he is a myth. Men of this coarse nature are becoming harder to find as every word, spoken or written, is captured, scrutinized, misinterpreted and read to the general public as something completely different. One could point the finger towards large corporations desiring to appeal to a larger fan-base in an effort to build up an already massive revenue stream. Maybe it’s the lobbying by a more aggressive feminist movement or TV shows like ‘The View’ spewing their caustic post-menopausal hate juice, but what could possibly be worse than a daytime show piloted by five overpaid, over-the-hill windbags? The answer is a society full of weak-minded males.

Now let’s be perfectly clear, I don’t condone slapping women’s asses in broad daylight as a form of career encouragement, unless it’s a company party and you’re looking to plow through a few cocktails and maybe a few coworkers as well. I do however take offense to the glairing popularity of a vanilla popsicle like Justin Bieber over, say, a Daniel Craig or a Michael Fassbender. Daniel Craig has a personality that in many ways reflects his martini sipping alter-ego; where as Bieber couldn’t crack a Triscuit with a pair of vice-grips. Stand him next to Miley Cyrus and we’ll see who’s a bigger pussy. They could be twins for all we know! If Adolf Hitler knew his master race would consist of Miley and Bieber look-a-likes, he might have just settled for opening a Bed ‘n’ Breakfast in East Berlin.

Was there a meeting of the genders that I missed? Was there a paragraph in the collective bargaining agreement stating we had to relinquish our balls? My sources indicate in the upcoming Bond Movie, 007 is tasked with saving a litter of puppies from an evil cigar smoking henchmen and along the way meets his life partner at a new-age church function over cookies ‘n’ fruit punch. I guess if it can compete in the box office against ‘Ice Age 7’ that’s all that matters right? As long as it doesn’t offend anyone, it will most likely get the green light. Awwww, puppies!

The simplicity of being a male is something I cherish very closely. I love the idea of making impulsive decisions and possibly regretting it later. This spontaneity can also lead to great things, like a first kiss, a new career, a cute baby. James Bond is arrogant, impulsive, womanizing, brash and mentally unstable. So he’s essentially perfect. So comparing 007’s decision making in today’s soft serve world, why do we always form a committee after a negative event occurs in order to remove liability from ourselves in fear of nay-sayers and attorneys with deep pockets? If Jimmy B had three henchmen standing in his way, one gets shot, the second is captured for interrogation and the third is thrown off a rooftop purely out of anger. Problem solved, job well done. We’re so focused on what everyone else is doing that we’re not paying attention to what we’re doing. James Bond isn’t checking his facebook feed to see how Money Penny’s handling her recent breakup. He’s busy doing guy stuff.

Do me a favor; there are roughly twenty-five James Bond movies. Take some time off from your busy blogging schedule and plow through these flicks, write down five things you find offensive about them, then loosely roll up that paper and shove it up your ass. No one should care about what you find offensive! Yet, our news is filled with it, our jobs are affected by it and now it’s drastically shaping the human race, for the worse. If James Bond dies, we as a species die with him. Our heroes in uniform look up to cinematic legends like him. By preserving and breaking through this age of over-coverage, there’s still a chance to turn things around, but it will take every man, woman and child to save ourselves from this snowball of s&#t we’ve created for humanity.

 

Happy F&#%ing New Year.