THE PROMISED LAND

“Pack your s#%t dear, we’re out of this place!” says every state Senator to their spouse and/or mistress as they pack up the passport, convert all their cash to some foreign currency and catch the first international flight out of the promise land. Please note that I do not rant about politics, but merely ask a question that in my mind seems plausible: What if our entire Federal Government left?

          It happens in other countries, Presidents skip town, military forces seize control, I’m just wondering what happens after everyone in the Executive branch, the house, the senate and whatever else one may deem federal just either quits or bolts for the border. Now you’re more likely to be raped by a Unicorn than to have an entire government cease to operate permanently. I know that we’ve had shutdowns and whatnot in the past few years, but unlike others, this year I felt no effects of it. In fact, my taxes were processed faster than any other year. But what if Peggy in accounting wasn’t receiving her bi-weekly paycheck, why the hell would she want to process mine? It’s true that states have their own governing bodies, but many are reliant on federal grants and other types of funding in order to operate. California’s bankrupt, Detroit is on life support and seriously, what would possess you to visit Delaware? As a result of the disbanding government, Texas would separate itself from the Union faster than Popeye’s Chicken through your lower intestine. So, where does that leave Oklahoma? Actually nobody cares about Oklahoma.

          So here we are, no leader, no federal government, nobody to represent our population of chicken nuggets and TMZ. Those aren’t even exports. We’re now forty-nine states and we can’t move. America is fat, so it’s time to shed some weight!

          I mentioned that Texas bolted at the first sign of trouble, don’t worry they’ll be fine. They’ll adopt Oklahoma and turn it into a cattle ranch/barbeque pit. Florida will either flood out or consume itself. It’s too damn hot, half the state is crawling with lunatics and the either half without their government checks won’t be able to afford trifocals, so that problem will fix itself.

          So Florida, Texas and Oklahoma are out. What about Hawaii? Pack a C-130 cargo plane and airdrop them a large supply of SPAM every six months. Problem solved, Hawaii stays. Washington DC will be absorbed by Virginia and they’ll turn Capital Hill into a bunch of museums, hotels and buffet joints. So Virginia stays, but only if they look after their slower brother, West Virginia.

          As far as Alaska is concerned, unless you plan on speaking Russian, I suggest you start learning the Canadian National Anthem. No we’re down to forty-six. Few more states and we may be able to see our genitals again.

          Now what about Vermont? Pretty useless state, right? Then again, so are New Hampshire and Maine. When combining the population of these three states, it’s merely percentage points against the rest of the remaining US. So guess what New England? Half of you are going back! New England… meet Old England. So when one crosses the Massachusetts border, they better have their passport ready for Her Majesty, The Queen. The Brits deserve a little breathing room anyway, all cramped on that island, how about you spread your wings and break in your new Aston Martin with a speed run through Burlington? Do whatever you want; it’s yours now! Rhode Island’s owned by mobsters anyway, so scratch them off the list of contributors. Forty-two states left.

          Montana we’ll keep, because once Texas bolts, Ted Nugent is going to need his own state and North Dakota clearly isn’t big enough. We’ll hang on to Idaho for starch purposes. Kansas and Nebraska we’ll give back to the Native Americans. I would’ve also suggested New Mexico, but someone needs to keep an eye on Texas, because Arkansas and Louisiana certainly aren’t up to the task. I mentioned Delaware earlier. Dude, what are you doing? You’re Maryland, stop pretending that you’re a different state.

Finally, I would like to congratulate the state of California on becoming a tax haven in this new Union. No more losing movie contracts to Vancouver, rolling blackouts or corrupt public officials. You’re officially on notice California. You better straighten these problems out or you’re not getting an invite to this party. Consider yourself warned, because I have no problem cutting your state in two and selling the lower half to Japan.

          For now though, the union stands much stronger, leaner and well populated with thirty-nine glorious states. We’ll have to teach Alabama how to count that high first; then we can start working on the smaller problems.

          Welcome to the new world, thirty-nine strong and our stock’s rising.