YOUR LOCAL WEATHER FORECAST

Flurries are expected, run for your lives!!! Or better yet, don’t. Wasn’t watching the weather something that retired seniors did when they weren’t catching the six A.M. transit bus to IHOP for the early bird special or stroking out on a par three golf course? Haven’t we all laughed as we drove by that all-wheel drive BMW or 4x4 Jeep buried in a snow pile just off the highway? That’s what paying thousands of dollars more will get you: a white wash, a tow truck bill and public embarrassment as hundreds of commuters point and stare at your $40,000 driving machine balls deep in a snowbank, or if it’s a Subaru…scissoring the snowbank.

        As you pull into your little apartment with your $4,000 front-wheel drive Honda after laughing off some highway calories, what’s the first thing you do when you get inside? Check the weather channel? WRONG. What’s the point? You’re going to log into your facebook account and see what your old boyfriend Travis is nailing as of late. “He’s with Raquel? That fat bitch, what a slam-pig!” So wondering weather there will be a chance of flurries later on that night will be the least of your concerns.

        Yet, the trend lately is to absolutely terrify every one of you and keep you glued to the television or computer as they show you Doppler radar, satellite imaging, three day forecasts, wind chill temperatures, areas affected, rain/snowfall amounts and whatever graphic garbage they can make up to throw on the screen to deter you from going back out and having revenge sex on your ex-boyfriend…yes, Travis.

        The reporting on weather events successfully filled the news void between school shootings and legalizing Marijuana. You hit your favorite news site and big bold letters it reads, “Giant Storm threatens Northeast” or “Massive cold front halts air travel” or “hundreds fall ill on Caribbean Cruise Liner”. Even though the last headline is totally off topic, like the first two, it’s a crap news story. If you live in the northeast, you expect snow, its called winter and it shows up for about four to five months every year. If your flights are constantly cancelled by the aftermath of cold fronts, consider moving south, I hear there’s this thing called the Equator and the closer you move to it…the warmer it becomes. Check Wikipedia, I’m pretty sure it’s accurate. If you’re on a cruise ship and you get sick, what did you expect when you stepped onboard alongside 4,000 other fat middle-aged white people all diving for the same crab legs at the buffet table?

        Weather reports, nine times out of ten, are almost completely useless, and when the weather does play a serious role, your local weather personality misses the ball and you end with over a dozen people dead in Atlanta with nightmare traffic accidents.

        I’m glad DirecTV dumped the Weather Channel, they’re antiquated and show nothing but YouTube videos about tornados. If there’s a hurricane or massive wildfire, then this is worth paying attention to if it’s in your area, other than that, Winter Storm Rico isn’t stopping me from heading out into the snow and taking home Travis’s ex-girlfriend.

        Another thought to consider, stop naming storms. Was Super Storm Sandy really appropriate? What did Sandy ever do to you? She’s a nice lady! If you’re a news organization and you truly want to frighten people, how about Tropical Storm Hitler or Cold Front Caligula? I’m pretty sure Winter Storm Sandusky would have all the kids fleeing indoors.

        I can’t stand when people talk about the weather; it’s a sign of poor conversation skills, maybe if the teachers unions had any common sense, they would incorporate   these ideas in their classrooms and then this may stop the trend of bad news stories like if you should stock up on canned goods this weekend instead of doing…Raquel.

 

        You want to know what the weather is? Look out the f%#in window.