AN ENDANGERED GENDER

Men…we might be in big trouble. All the Brad Pitts, George Clooneys and Tom Bradys only make up for a small percentage of the evolved male population and it’s only a matter of time before science and other political forces dwindle us down to a small section in the Smithsonian. I understand very well that women make life worth living. It’s been proven to me many times over, but men make life more fun. We’re impulsive, ignorant, greedy, judgmental, all great traits that ultimately lead to adventures, road trips and big budget Michael Bay movies. However, as a person who understands how a species can evolve to simplify its process in order to survive…that can mean lay-offs.

            When a large company uses terms like “streamlining” or “monitoring efficiency” or “reorganizing”, they’re basically saying people are getting s$%t canned.  The two main reasons are either the staffing costs are too high because some jerk-off analyst in accounting said so or because your job is obsolete and is now being handled by a more efficient process. There are over seven billion people on this planet. At times we’re overcrowded. Science is learning, technology is evolving. Women are far more educated, and control the job market, despite still fighting the pay-scale and discrimination. What’s a guy to do besides sit on his unemployed ass and play video games all day?

            As third world countries begin to evolve, political correctness takes a toll on individuality and religion becomes less a way of life and more of a hobby, the human race will begin to consider streamlining its very own process of continuing life without hurting the environment or succumbing to a massive epidemic. So we’ll have to reduce staff. You can’t limit the amount of children a couple can have like China does, that leads to all kinds of issues. So why don’t we turn the male population into a purchasable item? Makes sense, doesn’t it? We already have sperm banks and dating sites. We can just turn the whole “finding a guy” thing into a department store. We’ll call it “Mr. Right”. With a coupon you can get a free Ipod and a copy of Beyonce’s greatest hits. 

After you’re done with Don Juan Disposable, you can simply toss him out with your q-tips and sanitary napkins. Cloning, genetic engineering, automated machines, everything a guy can do besides get jealous, make stupid comments, and dutch-oven his partner will be reduced down to a simple automated process that allows the human race to proceed on a heavy diet of the ladies. 

            Still don’t think it’s possible? You think that sperm you’re so careless with belongs to you? It doesn’t. You’re a commodity, like bacon and orange juice; you could be bought and sold all day long on the world markets, unless you’re a crappy model in which case you will be discontinued. Gay dudes should take notice as well. Just remember you have as much stake in this as any male looking to save his ass from extinction. 

            Men right now are like a bad sports team in a small market. Our equipment is garbage, we refuse to practice and nobody wants to see us play.  The human male is in need of a makeover on a mass produced level.

            We need new uniforms, new coaches, new workout plans, new diet plans, better advertising that doesn’t make us look like idiots always raiding the refrigerator for Beer and Mayonnaise Popsicles. Men have to make themselves more valuable, in the home, workplace and in the bedroom. So a little cooking wouldn’t hurt and try not to set speed records under the sheets, learn a little strategy and maybe try a toy or two if you were cheated at birth by Doctor Snippenstein.

Maybe read a little Esquire, GQ, or Men’s Health magazine to give yourself a shinier edge to your casual male look.

Now look, men are men for a reason, they watch Rambo movies, build cool things, and listen to the comedy of Nick DiPaolo. All this stuff is extremely important, these are the core components of what drives us to act cooler, drive faster, and be funnier. The ladies secretly love that stuff and it’s key for when we finish building the male for the new world, that these pieces are embedded in his hard drive, because a human male can be manufactured…but his personality can not.