GET TO THE CHOPPA

I love testosterone. Love it. Naturally there are weeks where it’s so low that I find myself sniffing flowers and crying to Mumford & Sons, I’m so low on man-juice. Then there are the weeks where I chew on metal railings and punt babies over stop signs. It fills me with that primal awesomeness and I never want to lose that feeling where you hit the pull-up bar and as you look down, there is an imaginary city below your feet where it’s population bows at your greatness. Most men can relate to that Friday where you leave work and blast techno-metal in your 2-door Honda while puffing that cigar to celebrate your horny entrance into the weekend’s grasp. As you hit 85 mph on the highway and your front tires start to shake, you began glaring at female commuters like you’re taking notes on how to conquer their world later that evening with your Armani Cologne and stripey button down shirt you picked up on sale earlier in the week.
As the sun begins to go down, your body temperature only goes up as you go over the blurred battle plans in your head. You look in the mirror one last time before leaving your freshly Lysoled apartment. You’re hot s%&t. You know it. You’re so on fire you’re ready to do shots of lava and screw tailpipes. 
Any of this making sense yet? This is what testosterone does to men’s minds. It’s cheesy action movie one-liners and wingtip shoes that are so long, they tickle prostates if provoked. It’s a bio-chemical overload of borderline violent beauty and it needs to be protected from the political correctness that is steadily breathing down our necks. Yet many of today’s males simply trade in their masculinity for a coupon to Abercrombie & Fitch. Feel free to jack those hip huggers a little higher, there’s not a pair of balls to squish anymore. A lot of today’s hipsters and metro-sexuals fail to realize that a true man or gentlemen knows how to talk, how to dress, and how to be polite. He also knows how to steal your girlfriend or wife right from underneath your plastic boat shoes and post the debauchery on Instagram later that night for you to cry over. Testosterone can cause a man to do the most idiotic things in the public eye, but this same culprit can also force the brain to think faster with more calculations, so whether it’s winning a war or winning over a bachelorette party, that little hormone is the Spartan Warrior of your Friday evenings.
One of the most sickening sights I’ve ever seen is witnessing a man being dragged along through a department store by a woman like a small dog on the boardwalk and he never looks forward, always down or behind him as if either looking for the set of balls he dropped or if he can pick up a new pair along the way. Another crucial fact is if indeed you have met the love or loves of your life, your testosterone will naturally decrease a little bit, but rest assure if you stop producing all together, don’t expect her to stick around and cater to your nutless needs. Women may like boys, but they love men.
This last parts for the ladies. Do you want to know what it feels like when men have an overload of testosterone? Here’s your assignment. Grab these two movies “Predator” and “Rambo: First Blood Part Two”. Watch only the last thirty minutes of each film. Start with “Predator” where Schwarzenegger lights the torch and paints his face with mud, then pop in “Rambo” and start watching where Stallone steals the helicopter and lays down a trail of bullets, rockets, and sweat. If at any point during these sequences do you hysterically laugh in enjoyment of these Oscar worthy scenes, then you have indeed solved the riddle. If at the end you’re still completely confused at the purpose of these scenes, well…I have little use for you.