IN A RECENT STUDY...

In recent study done by various colleges, institutes and lobby groups, it has been determined that the following may have a negative affect on your health: cooking oil, cigarettes, drinking too much, drinking not enough, egg whites, egg yolks, red meat, white meat, sugar, non-organics, flat shoes, calories, action movies, religion, bright lights, no lights, peanuts, pet dander, pets sleeping on the bed, bullies, bullets, Tom Cruise, cruise ships, caffeine, being straight, being gay, fellatio, television, hand sanitizer, Kings of Leon, Ace of Base, Bologna, saturated fats, cell phones, home phones, phoning home, E.T., monogamy, tanning booths, selfies, stress, diet soda, cheese, non-ergonomic keyboards, fast food, slow food, online dating and the Jews.

            All this sensationalism has really killed my boner. Look at a newspaper or check out a news website. They’re no longer a source for information and current events, but a lobbyist driven marketplace that has less credibility than a politician who uses taxpayer’s money to fly his mistress around. If the crisis in Ukraine doesn’t interest you, than check out this video of Justin Bieber using racial slurs! If I don’t sound very trusting of humanity it may be because after almost a year of attempts to keep my articles sarcastic and light hearted, I may have simply run out of patience with the world and it’s over complicated liabilities. I’ve always been a fan of simplifying a process with the intentions of bettering the planet and the population that inhabits it.  So maybe we can think of a few ideas that will get the ball rolling.

            Nutrition labels on the back of products have become insanely elongated. I propose two categories. Say a bag of chips only contains potatoes and salt, that’s category one. If a bag of chips contains additional flavorings and preservatives, then instead of a long ass list of stuff you can’t pronounce, simply put “potatoes, salt, S$*t that may eventually kill you. That’s easy enough, right? What about television? We all obsess about what is safe for kids as they grow up to become immature adults on welfare. How about a simple rating system before and after every show they watch. So it’s either “safe for all ages” or “may cause your child to shoot up a school”. POOF! Now I have made it perfectly safe for your little angel to attend a public school.

            We all chase the American dream, but many folks don’t have the credit or money to take that next step from a studio apartment in the valley, to a four-bedroom cape by the ocean. How about instead of a number system that determines what your interest rate may, let’s go for something more concrete. The bank will look you up and it’ll either say, “you can totally afford this” or “stop folding clothes at Abercrombie and get a real job.” A little shame never hurt.

            Maybe if we had fewer rules, we’d have more fun. If we had less legal costs, we could afford to have better products and services, maybe if we put in more effort as a society, we’d have a healthier, properly educated population.

            We clearly have lost our way as a society, as functioning individuals. We overcomplicated everything to where nothing is fun, safe or wholesome.

            I think we’re in trouble…the question is can we learn from our mistakes in time?