POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: THEORY OF RELATIVE STUPIDITY

       In order to be considered stupid, one has to have made at least one smart decision in the course of their current life. How else would you be able to gauge whether or not the person is an absolute moron and needs to be taken out back and shot? What if a newborn immediately after entering the world took the umbilical cord and choked out the Doctor? Maybe he or she was a lazy doctor, maybe the mom pushed way too hard and the newborn flew out and wrapped around the doctors neck…your imagining it right now…mom drops the hammer on her 357 Vag-num and out comes bullet baby, flying past the Doctors head, then the cord runs out and Bat Baby comes flying back from the tension and that’s something life insurance probably doesn’t cover: Flying Bat Baby Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Syndrome. Who’s to blame for this freak accident? When in doubt, you can always blame the daddy, but he left to grab a carton of cigarettes just over nine months ago…maybe he was the smart one. 

Is this the stupidest opening to an article that you’ve ever read? Well when is the last time you even read an article at all? Are you too busy burping your freshly shaved boinky-bits to 15-second instagram videos and inspirational one-liners ripped off from a Stallone flick? What, you can’t sit through ninety minutes of Rocky? Plot too complicated for ya? It’s not hard to follow people, someone hits him, he hits them back…Oscar Winner! 

In the past, I’ve written about Director Michael Bay (Transformers, The Rock, Pain n’ Gain) fun movies, not a lot of intelligence required. Many think he’s a horrible director, an egomaniac and terrible with the cast. Digest this: He’s worked with many of the most iconic actors and producers over the last 30 years, grossed over $3 Billion in the worldwide box office, and the moment he releases a relevant movie about the Benghazi Embassy bombing, Hillary Clintons poll numbers in New Hampshire drop over 20 points.

Conclusion…Michael Bay is a rich, genius. 

Every year around Thanksgiving, I buy anywhere from 5 to 10 turkeys, cus my diet requires a solid amount of quality protein and the prices are so low, that you just can’t say no…or so I thought. It’s late January and there are over 30 fucking turkeys per supermarket still frozen and for sale. How is this possible? How is this legal? We hand out food stamps like lollipops at a bank teller window and we’re not pushing some of the cleanest food on the market to these people? They’re so easy to make, what we can’t hand out instructions to these unfortunate folks so that they can properly feed their families? You prefer to stuff government cheese, ramen noodles or Easy Mac down their throats? My Paycheck gets Cosbyed every two weeks because of this atrocity and now I gotta pay for their health insurance too or I pay a fine? Maybe next November, I’ll buy all the leftover turkeys and drive down the block, throwing them through peoples windows. #TurkeyBomb2016 

This whole article is completely out of control, but y’know what? I’m on a roll.

Oh, ANOTHER THING!!!!

Stop telling me Starbucks cost way more than Dunkin Donuts. They cost exactly the same you local minded, hair-lipped snaggle-tooth. The beans also taste like they weren’t filtered thru a urinal at Fenway PAAAAAHHHHHHK.

I like to actually taste my coffee instead of dumping all kinds of chemical sugars into it, making my stomach turn into a partially inflated bouncy house. Jump on that and lemme know how it feels…actually here’s my middle finger, jump on that and spin, cus you uneducated mush-brains need to get in line at the DMV…for your new shiny helmet.