POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: THE TEN ABANDONMENTS

Well to be honest, I wasn’t in the best place to celebrate my 50th article, was too busy chasing trophies, truths and triumphs, so I figure 60 is a solid number to really turn up the heat on of my favorite subjects, deadbeat parents…and there’s one in particular that’s currently in my cross-hairs.

If we’re all God’s children, then I reckon there are roughly 8 billion people on the planet with daddy issues. I’m surprised we’re not all hitting the stripper pole to Def Leppard and crying to a Shrink about our loveless sexual experiences as we desperately seek approval from some insignificant other.

The Almighty is a prick…and he’s lazy. Also his human resources department has a tendency to overlook things. You’d think that his robed flunkies over at the Vatican would have cleaned up that newsworthy mess where the priests were treating alter boys like a fridge full of Popsicles during a heat wave in July. Oh, that’s still going on? I didn’t know the almighty and often flighty had a hard-on for hiring felons, maybe consider hiring someone who maybe stole a car or ripped off a bank and not some kids pants.

Someone should impeach his Holy Spirit’s ass for this line of bullshit about the Jewish people being chosen ones. Chosen for constant invasion and persecution since the age of man, chosen to have their cities bombed since Israel was declared a state, chosen to have their Olympic Team held hostage and massacred during the 1972 Munich Games, chosen to be filed into camps where they were shot, burned and gassed at a rate of up to 15,000 per day during World War II. Did you choose them for enlightenment or extinction? Get back to me on that…

Nice work with Jesus, by the way. You couldn’t have just put him up for adoption to a more caring family or maybe busted your holy nut on your girl’s belly button. “I turned around for two seconds to wash some chalices and next thing I knew, some assholes nailed him to a cross!”

Maybe if you laid off the wine a bit, you may have seen the angry mob grabbing a hammer and some nails, not to mention your son. What a waste of good lumber.

I know you see everything, your Holiness, but maybe you misplaced your glasses on that day, as well as the day Muhammad Atta and his band of Merry Martyrs poked two holes in the side of the World Trades Center. Did you misplace your bifocals that day, Grandpa? Cus you clearly didn’t see those poor souls leaping 70 stories just to avoid the flames only to wonder what could’ve happened if God wasn’t too busy rubbing one out in the bathroom to maybe catch one or two of those people. Maybe you were too busy prepping all those virgins for your new heavenly terrorist guests and since the business of terrorism is at an all time high, I guess you just have to keep up with the demand, snatching up the innocent whenever you can, whether it be a drunk driving accident involving a mother and her two children or a school shooting over in Connecticut…that’s why the good die so young.

Oh the lord works in mysterious ways. It’s his will, of course that allows Westboro Baptists to picket the funerals of soldiers and homosexuals. I guess Mr. Creation finds this rather comedic like he’s playing Sim City and every once in a while he decides to throw in couple mudslides over in parts of Indonesia or maybe a epidemic in Africa killing thousands everyday. Gotta keep the balance, don’t ya, big guy?

I think your children have run amok and your not sure how to handle all the movement of being a parent to “Kate plus 8 Billion”, so you kinda treat us like your little pinball machine that you guiltlessly tilt just to get the ball back.

…Or maybe you just left…you quit. After botching Jesus, you ditched your bitch and took off for the gated coastline of Heaven; which since your departure, left the rest of your holy city looking more like the suburbs of Detroit rather than a Utopia for do-gooders.

Yet, billions of people after everything that has happened; still believe in your lazy ass or some form of it, myself not included. You’ve abandoned your principles that were left to Moses. Maybe this is your chance to step up, take responsibility and try to better the situation with your kids. Rest assured if you don’t, after Richard Branson finishes production of the Zion Plane, I’ll have a first class ticket and will be first in line with a new pair of Air Jordan’s… that I’ll happily dirty when I shove my foot up your ass.