POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: EARTH VIEW PROPERTY

How would you like to earn over 230,000 frequent flyer miles in just one trip?

When I look at the stars at night during one of my cheesy John Cusack moments, I see a ton of unsold property...that has yet to be developed. Why? During the Apollo missions of the late 60's and early 70's, The United States successfully landed six times on the moon using technology that wasn't even advanced enough to run Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, although I'm sure oxygen was more of a priority than an 8-bit video game.

I understand that we as a race have enough problems to deal with on this little planet already that deserve more attention and funding, but I feel that as the super rich usually do, I feel this would be where the one percent would actually come in useful. With all their Uber Yachts, Hyper Cars and Island hopping, I feel this investment would be the ultimate display of “fuck me” money.

Now if your confused, let me explain the difference between “fuck you” money and “fuck me” money.

“Fuck you” money is when you never have to work again, you travel the world and own property on a small island in the South Pacific.

“Fuck me” money is when you buy that island...and sink it.

Now my Planetary Geology knowledge is a bit rusty, but I'm thinking that sinking the moon would prove quite difficult, but as a one percenter, how does flying first class on the very first cruise ship to a moon resort sound? 3 days of floating around, eating Beluga Caviar and having space sex with a high priced Russian Prostitutes, then having your own personal Mercedes Moon Cruiser to explore the limits of low gravity. As long as you don't hit a bump wrong and go spinning off into space. But hey, we could have preventative measures for that! As long as you stay within a certain radius, there could totally be a safety net to capture any moon buggies pulling an Evil Knievel. The probability of flying off into space is actually rather low, but I don't intend to lose any potential investors because they fitted their rides with rocket boosters.

Okay, I'm veering off a bit, but is this really just a big fantasy or this actually possible?

Not only is possible, it could have been constructed years ago. We already have investors pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into this very idea. So lets start with the basics...

How would we get there? Well according to the Apollo Missions, to blast out of earths orbit and slow down for a safe landing on the moon would take about 3 days, so proper entertainment and accommodations aboard the ship would be prudent (caviar, prostitutes). Once your done with them and have successfully jettisoned them into space (International Waters) a proper “spaceport” would be needed to ensure the arrival of the passengers, essential crew, baggage and supplies such as food, power sources and whatever else would be needed to run the LCA (Lunar Condo Association). I would assume the main power source for the entire LCA would be Solar power with a battery backup system. Would it be possible and more cost efficient to use nuclear power instead? I wouldn't rule it out as it burns very clean, but disposing of the depleted power cells may prove to be a hassle so setting up an field of solar panels may be the most simplistic solution. Now besides the scientific benefits of setting up shop on the moon, entertainment is another factor. Laser Tag would be a bit juvenile so maybe bungee jumping would prove to be an attraction, but instead of going down, your going out. Your attached to a bungee chord and then a booster shoots your body straight out into space...now that if wouldn't freak you the fuck out, clearly your inner adrenaline junkie needs therapy. Maybe your into naked hurricane skydiving, I don't know.

How about a Home Run Derby? You hit a heat shielded ball towards earth and if you aim correctly and the ball survives the earths atmosphere, you win. The ball would would have a tracking device and probably take about a week to get back to earth, so it would take just as long as a normal nine inning game.

Moon Buggy racing is a no brainer. It could even be broadcasted on ESPN and each buggy could have a sponsor. A rally track would be most sufficient, cus I dont think a standard NASCAR format would be very entertaining, it's already boring without crashes, so twists and turns are a must. Throw in a little Satellite TV package, decent Wi-Fi, an Equinox Gym and some performing arts...and your on your way.

Swimming's out though.

Since terrorism isn't really a concern when your over 230,000 miles away from earth, making sure condo fees are collected regularly may prove to be quite interesting when someone has to be evicted. It's already an expensive trip to begin with, plus owning the property, grocery shopping and whatever else I'm not thinking of. If someone were forced to leave the LCA, they would have to wait for the next transport to arrive, reload and then they would be transported back to earth. Don't expect us to not bill your cheap ass for the ride back home either!

Now I understand it would take a global effort with some corporate saber rattling to get this project moving, but it's absolutely achievable and once the logistics are solved, routine transports of building supplies along with Lunar Architects could make this less of a fantasy and turn it into something that the human race can really be proud of. The advancement in technology and scientific studies taking place could push the human race beyond anything we've ever achieved here on earth.

Just imagine waking up in the morning, reading the local newspaper, sipping on the finest Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee and having Planet Earth as a view...If that doesn't give you space wood, consult your doctor.