POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: SOCIALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES

 

“If you don't go to college right out of high school, you'll lose your health insurance!” -Mom

So you'd rather I take out a cosigned $35,000 federal loan and listen to burnt out professors dressed like Kermit the Frog at a fruit punch social, only to make 12 dollars an hour in some corporate fuck-stick environment and not afford insurance, cus I have to pay back the loan shortly after school is over?

...sorry mother.

What about the college experience? Y'know, the politically correct campuses, the consensual sex forms, the bloated tuition cost, the gender pronoun identification, the pointless amount of homework with minimal translation to the real world. I think the only thing I left college with, besides a silly amount of debt is that I got to watch some kids burn down a smoking Gazebo and a pothead nicknamed “Franky Firetrucks” try to cook a steak on the stove...at 3am with no pan. This is now your workforce.

 

I didn't get to have meaningful internships with a slave driving call center or go pointlessly backpacking across Europe...not that I'd want to do either.

Who wants to backpack anywhere? I ditched backpacks as soon as high school reached it's torturous end. People talk about backpacking like it's some mind opening experience and the ability to take in beautiful European Scenery and it's temperate beauty. Here's a modern thought, how about you open yourself up to a rental car and some body spray, you stinky fuckin hippies.

I walked a mile to the bus stop every morning when I was young and still naive. I'm not tallying on another thousand kilometers just to see Stonehenge. Oh wow, a pile of rocks. How'd they get there???

….Who gives a shit, they're rocks!!!!! “Oh Joey, you clearly aren't cultured enough to appreciate the mystery and historical beauty of such a landmark.” Oh please, I can take in simple beauties more than some sensitive sap who tries to pad his dating profile with more than just a 2 year old photo. I can sit and watch the rolling ocean waves for hours and feel a countless amount of emotions as the tide rolls in and without permission, while I chug down my 3rd sugar free Red Bull. How about when I visited the Grand Canyon, plenty of rocks there. A sight that would certainly take anyone's breath away as the Canyons gap is almost as wide as my ex-girlfriend's soul shredding pussy.

...Seriously tho, you really should check out the Grand Canyon, it's pretty.

 

Anyway, how is backpacking safe? In any country for that matter, being susceptible to weather, wildlife and wild people. You could get attacked by Bears or Mountain Lions or missionaries. What if your traversing the forests of western Europe and some Doctor decides to transform you and your college friends into a centipede? Hey shit happens, then your turned into a leather purse. Coachella next year? Now your a Coach bag...Coach douche-bag.

I could go on for hours about this topic, but I'd rather move on to something else.

 

I also mentioned gender pronoun identification, this is an actual thing now, an actual topic that takes up the time of your six-figure making professors. He, She, They and Them...meet Ve, Ze, Xe. This is of course, related to the ever-growing transgender discussion. Now if you choose as a human being to be a “mixed bag”, It's cool with me. Even if your an ugly one, no worries, there's plenty of regular ugly people hitting the Hoverounds at your local Walmart. Being transgender is not bad for your health, but when I can see you struggling to pick your EBT card up off the ground because your rolls of human cookie dough are obstructing your mobility, then your a fat piece of excuse-less shit.

Now as far as this pronoun thing, it's been suggested that when you meet new people, it would be polite to ask what their pronoun is, so you can properly refer to them in conversation. However, common sense stuffs this back into whatever wretched cave it came from. For one thing, you still use they or them, cus in simple conversation, it just works and moves the conversation along. Conversations have flow, which shouldn't be interrupted.

You can also refer to the person by their name!!!! I don't care if they're legal name is Xanadu, we get it. It's also way more fun if you have a transgender friend and your currently pissed off at them for some reason, then pronouns go right out the window. “Molly was supposed to grab a drink cart for the Macchiatos, but the stupid bitch juggled the drinks all the way to my new Lexus and now my seats are sticky!”

...Stupid Molly. Oh by the way, Molly had a change of heart and is now back to Michael.

Now the notorious lady-boys in Thailand, they have it down pretty good, those are some fine looking broads...moving on.

Consensual sex forms, now I seriously look forward to finding these reverse wipers and launching their genitals out of a potato cannon aimed at a forest fire. There's all sorts of wrong with this whole idea. We as a human race still struggle with the choice to put on a condom before throwing away the next 18 years of our lives. So how do we would fare with a pen and paper glaring at us from the night table or vehicle dashboard or nightclub bathroom? Some things just shouldn't involve lawyers and legal forms and yet if this became an actual norm in an ever-dying society, it wouldn't stop some of the people I know. One openly stated that she loves to be pinned down and choked by her boyfriend and I don't see that ever being a box to check off on the “fuck form”.

Not much else needs to be said about this topic, for I would just milking it....hahaha “milking”.

So what have learned? College is pointless, backpacking across Europe or anywhere is dangerous, Transgender people are cool, but reinventing pronouns isn't, Hoverounds should be discontinued, and consensual sex forms should be used to roll fat joints.

...now about the Jews.