Do any of these sound familiar:  “To those I have offended”, “If I’ve upset anyone”, “If you were hurt by my actions”? What does this really mean anyway? I understand you want to say sorry to your parents because you turned out to be a crappy kid, but after that, apologies sort of lose their usefulness. Seriously, if the US military launches a cruise missile and it crashes a cupcake party at a school somewhere in Afghanistan, I’m not sure sending over an Ambassador to basically say “hey, our bad.” is going to make the situation better.  But this is an extreme example, the garbage apologies I’m referring to are the ones fired off by celebrities and comedians who have corporate ties and have to issue a meaningless apology in order to appease that bored group of basement dwellers, the soccer mom lobbyists, and the one politician spearheading the movement in order to grab more votes so he can continue to steal taxpayers money.

One that sticks in my head is Tiger Woods (who isn’t a comedian…but I still laugh at his robot voice). Essentially he was boinking Waffle-House waitresses while he was married, and one night his wife took a golf club to his Escalade; it’s a big enough vehicle, no way she could have missed that hole-in-one. Obviously the news groups ran with it like an Olympic torch and it quickly turned into one the largest news stories in the last ten years, larger than Kim Kardashian’s wedding(s). After a while, Tiger offered an apology via a press conference and after about a year, all his sponsors who dropped him, came crawling back to his newly grown goatee and he was back in business giving all the press a giant Nike cold shoulder. Now why are you apologizing to me, Tiger? I didn’t turn on the TV to watch you struggle over a pre-written apology, get your ass on the golf course and make the cut for the US Open. You’re not my role model, go play golf! It’s not as if your daughter is playing with Legos in one room and El Tigre is crushing sub-par ass in the next. If you’re a good enough parent, Tiger’s actions will never negatively impact your child’s development.

Now since the majority of these apologies are prewritten and edited for content, one could have easily opened a business on the web selling “apology” templates instead of resume and cover letter help.

Tracy Morgan issued an apology for his supposed “anti-gay” comments he made in reference to his son. No one in the media or from the Human Rights Campaign took the time to ask Tracy why he said what he said, whether it was a joke, or simply misunderstood; which is almost always the case. Instead the HRM immediately called for an apology from Tracy regardless of the fact that it was said onstage in front of a comedy crowd which is basically the last haven for free speech. My belief is that because of Tracy’s affiliation with NBC’s “30 Rock”, he was pushed to offer an apology in order to shut everyone up. If not for ’30 Rock’, all you would get from Tracy Morgan was a middle finger in your face.

How the mighty continue to fall under the corporate sword that gives way to anyone who deems something to be offensive-

Jay Mohr, Steve Martin, Daniel Tosh, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, and Paula Deen who should maybe apologize for putting two sticks of butter into whatever pie she’s making. I’ll take two.

            Thankfully, there are the titans like Ricky Gervais and Louis C.K. who continue to stand strong and remind us that in a world full of death, starvation, inequality and political correctness, these few continue to do comedy and entertainment their way without the influence of some lobbying jackass who goes on social media to say how they are soooo offended by so&so’s comments. Comedian Gilbert Gottfried said rather simply, (para-phrasing) “If you’re watching a comic who works blue and says a joke that you don’t like or think is funny, don’t laugh at it and wait for the next joke.  If you don’t like the next joke, you can quietly leave.”

            Here’s some easy advice that everyone should put into their mental pocket effective immediately, if you see a headline about someone supposedly saying or doing something offensive, stop right there. Don’t continue reading or click on the headline, all you’re doing is feeding the beast. If these craptastic articles aren’t read or purchased, they will no longer be written.

            Finally, if you’re at a comedy club and the comic is working on new jokes that strike you as offensive, I beg of you not to heckle in any way shape or form. If you do, you may very well throw the comic off his rhythm and also you’re ruining the enjoyment of other people around you who paid good money to be there. Also comics are generally very intelligent so they are ready to deal with a heckler at a moment’s notice. If you still truly feel that your voice should be heard anyway, I have a social experiment for you. Make your way to the Comedy Cellar in NYC and throw a verbal jab at the likes of Nick DiPaolo, Bill Burr or Jim Norton, you’ll understand very quickly and disgracefully why political correctness is trying to tear our Constitutional right to free speech apart and comedy is the only glue holding it together.

            This sort of turned into a rant about political correctness but hey…deal with it, ass-clowns.