Positive Sarcasm Presents: "GAY for Autumn, A Hetero's Sarcastic Guide to Fall."
GAY FOR AUTUMN
A Heteros Sarcastic Guide to Fall
Standing outside, pants around ankles, feeling the autumn breeze against my freshly shorn genitals. Pumpkin spice latte in one hand and a flaccid temperature gauge in the other.
...The vibe has been set.
Speaking of Pumpkin Spice, if you are into savoring the basic white girl special; which I know you secretly are, make it and master it at home. You start with a whole bean city roast and grind it down to a medium-fine powder. Proceed to steep in a French Press or Pour Over for roughly five minutes, use a hot frother with 2-3 ounces of Chobani Real Cream Pumpkin Spice. Whipping a little heavy cream with some vanilla extract for the overachievers of Instagram is never a bad idea. Now, shave off a little cinnamon and nutmeg, making sure to cover the every square millimeter of foam; now all that is needed for you to take on the day is your maple suede Timberlands or chukka boots, some tan chinos with course fabric, plus the classic red flannel coat and you are ready to fog up the cold air with your Basic Becky Beverage.
You are NOT under any circumstances to be lazy and hit the drive thru for this concoction, cuz you’ll be rewarded with a line of Audi's and Honda's around the block, a dumb, septum ringed coffee snob, who fucks up your order as they dread paying for their student loans because they were outsourced to a AI Data Center.
All you receive is an overpriced diabetic nap that you burned no calories to get, and lost afternoon plans as you cry on the porcelain throne due to your questionable tolerance to lactose dairy fat.
APPLE PICKING!!!
But the grocery store is right down the street and a bag of apples there is only a couple dollars…
SHUT UP, BITCH! Were doing this!
Now under no circumstances are you to go apple picking by yourself. The feeling of loneliness will quickly mutate into thoughts of suicide with every passing tree branch full of McIntosh’s or Cortland's or whatever the hell is in season. Also there is the imminent threat of bumping into the Soccer Mom of your Dreams. “Nice day out for picking overpriced fruit, right!”, she exclaims with her psychotic eyes that’s seen a few too many serial killer documentaries. “My name is Bethany and this is my non-verbal, autistic son AIDEEEEN! Don’t touch his Rubics Cube, he’s prone to biting.”
And for the love of Christ, if you’re on a first date, do NOT sample more than a couple apples or the Ass Trumpet is going to send her packing early, so keep it to just a few bites.
Also if the orchard allows, bring your dog to solidify that you’re a selfless, caring, loving, stable individual whose entire existence doesn’t revolve around football and Coors Light. So, take a break and smell some fucking trees!
FLANNEL!!!
Here are the rules. Stick to one piece of flannel clothing, don’t play matchy matchy with the loafers or jacket Keep it simple and outdoorsy. And for the love of God, never try to pull off the matching flannel pants; you’re not Karl Lagerfeld. You’re a Steve, Dave or Johnny. If you were a Kyle, you wouldn’t be picking apples, more likely just punching the trees. As I said, keep it simple, because it was only 6 months ago that you parted ways with your folding plastic dinner table. Don’t think for a second that you are going to wow ANYONE on the red carpet with your Plaid Blaster Outfit.
FAIRS!!!
Get some fresh air dude. You think your other half goes there to meet their old high school sweetheart and buy overpriced jewelry made by a trailer park ghoul with dirty fingernails?
Well...yeah, that actually does happen at Fairs, but worry not, my man! Other bros are being dragged their too, so don’t you fret, they have plenty of cool stuff for you and your insecurities. Even if it’s just a Craft’s Fair, you think it’s going to be a sea of dream catchers, middle-aged Karens and stupid Chatzki’s that will be strategically placed around the house to drive you insane at every turn...until you see the vendor selling every legal kind of jerky on God’s green earth. Tail Jerky from a Nile Crocodile? Only the finest slab of Bermese Python; which is an invasive species in the state of Florida. Never seen a Bison? Well for 29.95, you can chew on one, son! Now that your dehydrated food fix is reinstalling the caveman software back into your DNA, you instinctively turn right to the wood worker showcase that’s just two tents down passed the loon paintings and vegan lingerie made out of recycled fishnets. As the wood chip dust permeates your unshaven nostrils, the workers latest creation sees light for the first time. A giant wooden bear posing with a fish in it’s mouth made from the stump of a fallen maple tree. The cherry colored stain still drying in the October sun. At $475, this is an absolute steal and will look great at the foot of your bed as you sit on it every morning to put your shoes on.
Now if it’s a full blown fair, get ready for bloomin onions, unsourced meat on a stick, redneck tractor pulls, random piles of Horse Shit strewn across the parade route, and the low IQ pleasure of mooing back at Cows. This is the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse for adults and your searching for the giant rotisserie turkey leg. Become the hunter.
The truth is that this season was made for men. While the Basic Becky’s crowd the local Starbucks to slurp from the pumpkin trough and the Susans of Zoloftia shove each other around for the showcase deals at Homegoods, you are in the back yard, your center chest glistening from your unbuttoned flannel as you prepare wood for this evenings fire pit dinner consisting of marinated meat on bamboo, cornbread from your neighbor down the street gifted to you for helping rake the leaves and of course, classic smores with Peruvian Chocolate with a side of heated Bourbon infused with fresh cinnamon as the moon peaks over your girl’s cleavage.
This is fall...and you were built for it.
God, I have such a hard on right now!