BEING MICHAEL BAY

“Roll Tape…And ACTION!!! (Explosions) and CUT!!!” From start to finish, one can argue that a movie directed by Michael Bay is usually filled with this type of meat-headed simplicity. Sadly though, moviegoers are generally a very negative audience; which upsets me, because the last place I would choose to be in is a theater full of bratty bloggers all hopped up on Haterade. So let us take a stroll back down memory lane to identify the issue, if there is one.

            In Michael Bay’s first two movies, We saw Will Smith before he went on to become one of Hollywood’s highest paid actors, we also saw Sean Connery in arguably one of his best all time films, ‘The Rock’, a must watch for any action junky. At this point, why just blow up an island when you can blow up a whole planet…well Bay almost did in ‘Armageddon’; which he dropped on audiences only two years later. Now I’m not going to dissect every movie that Bay’s done in this article, you can look them up yourself. I’m here to quell the rage that people show when they hear his name attached to movie credits. Lets focus on his latest collection, The ‘Transformers’ trilogy. With three movies having a combined gross of almost $3 Billion dollars and a fourth movie due in summer of 2014, the arguments against these were that the plot was weak, the acting was cardboard, the jokes were offensive, the tone of the movies were uneven, and it was giant ball of noise with a side of Megan Fox’s ass.

            So we’re in agreement that a movie about giant fighting space robots is not an Oscar contender…No S%*t. IT’S A MOVIE ABOUT GIANT FIGHTING ROBOTS! That’s like complaining about a porn movie, because the characters aren’t believable enough or that the set looks too low budget, please, all you do is skip ahead twenty minutes to the money shot and pass out on your unwashed futon. I even doubt if you even made it through the previews, pervert. I think in today’s world, men have such a hard time showing their masculinity in front of women, they’d prefer to stand out by not flowing with the masses to go see these giant popcorn blockbusters, instead opting for more independent movies as a way to impress the ladies. That way of standing out and pronouncing “I don’t run with the masses, I march to a different tune” is as stupid as your plaid sweater and black-rimmed eyeglasses. What are you, the singer for ‘Kings of Leon’? What is so wrong with loving the slow motion action shots and dirty jokes? Just remember dudes; before there was Megan Fox, there was Optimus Prime. This is why we flock to these CGI filled blockbusters, to feel like a kid again, before responsibility was a word we could spell. Now don’t come away from this thinking that all I do is watch super over-hyped mega-flicks, I have seen some beautiful and heartfelt independent movies, I can certainly be a fan of an original flick by some no-name director who may never get another job in cinema again, but what Michael Bay does with slow moving bullets, walking away from explosions, and big budget action scenes is something I can only describe as beautiful. He’s delighted me, frightened me, offended me, and made me clap while laughing all in the same breath and when I leave the theater after 142 minutes of special effects and artificial noise, I know in my fast beating heart that the 15 bucks I just spent was a way better choice than just sitting at home and melting into YouTube. Michael Bay isn’t done yet, he’ll be back and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.

As far as M. Night Shymalan, let us hope he doesn’t return at all.