POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: GOOD VIBRATIONS

Friend’s…relative’s…closeted deviants…lend me your rears!

Here comes a pulsating parade of plastics, rubbers, ball bearings, battery operated love guns and water-based lubricants with more flavors than a dessert menu at the Cheesecake Factory, “Yes, I’ll have the Pearl Necklace, please. Oh, excellent choice (ZIP…)”

You know a sex toy party is in full “swing” when your strolling by unit 208 at Whispering Meadows with this week’s load of laundry and you can’t help but hear a pack of horny giggling ferrets as the host pulls out the infamous big black dildo…we’ll get back to that in a little bit.

These parties are interesting, because an awful lot of research and development, not to mention waterproofing, go into creating these little bundles of bliss. The ladies take this shit seriously. The majority of them have that little drawer or jewelry box that helps them reach orgasmic altitudes higher than any spy plane has ever attempted. Trust me, you won’t find family photos or grandma’s jewelry in there. Sadly, some things won’t fit in there as inconspicuously as a bottle of warming gel or a wizard wand, like a sex swing for example. Let’s be honest though, what two-bedroom apartment complex is going to allow you to screw that horny hammock into your fragile sheet rock ceiling. “Oh, but I found the support beam!” …Yeah, I’ll bet you did, Piglet.

Although, I must admit, that the sensitivity Gels were never something to turn your nose up at. As if you had a choice with how strong the screw goo permeates from its hair putty like container, like shoving your gear inside of a York Peppermint Patty…Only your not singing from the mountain tops, your on a sofa somewhere in the suburbs, sitting next to a bored married couple who can’t decide between the vibrating unity rings or the divorce papers.

…Back to that big black dildo…

This shiny, oddly scented, 12 inches of carpel tunnel for your squishy tunnel is ideal for beating your spouse, but quite embarrassing when your kid or canine brings it to the dinner table during a visit from your parents.

Now as far as the crowd at a toy party, it usually comprises of mostly women, I would strongly encourage men to attend though, but in very small numbers as watching a women interact or ask questions about a particular item is a lot like watching gorillas in the wild, it will take them out of their comfort zone if too many real sausages start walking through the door. Its best left to maybe one of two guys at the very most. The majority of the items are designed for ladies flying solo anyway. Don’t worry, if it requires you, she’ll show you the ropes…or the handcuffs. Dudes are too immature for these parties anyway, probably why women very often seek out these variations of vibrating victory. Regardless, men should go to understand what it takes to truly make a girl curl her toes, but take it a bit serious and for fucks sake, eat light. Don’t think you can sneak in a quick Steak n’ Cheese before diving junk first into this lube fest, because the bathroom will be in constant experimental use and should only smell like synthetic strawberries and peppermint oil, not your culinary afterbirth.

For those who think that these items may contribute to sexual deviancy in a relationship, feel free to kill yourselves. That vibrating Bristle-less toothbrush may be the one thing that keeps her from tumbling onto another guy’s dick. A lot of the items can be used in mid-coital symphony with your “God Given” package, so that when the clock strikes 10:30pm and you’ve given each other the goods, your not on your cell phones 5 minutes later looking for your Christian or Catherine Gray.

Remember, they’re called toys for a reason, so try to have a little fun if you sleep with the door closed.