Well, it’s official. I’ve caved in, given in to the sheer power… basically sold out. I told myself in the beginning that I wouldn’t write about these guys (five of them to be exact), because every foodie in North America has taken a crack at it, and I figured that FIVE GUYS has already received plenty of accolades, they wouldn’t need my input at this point…but then again, who really does? I write because I have to, it’s the only way my head doesn’t explode. The fact is that so many times I’ve been walking towards my car and the scent hits me; inevitably altering my course. The aroma wafts through the constantly opening front door past the mesmerized, conga line-sized mass of customers as they aggressively push each other almost over the counter while massaging themselves in burger grease, evoking images of Black Friday in the toy section.

                Okay, maybe it’s not that insane, large vats of grease aren’t available to the customers and nobody’s knocking each other out for the latest stuffed animal or video game, but I believe FIVE GUYS has a concrete reputation for satisfying your craving every time you order. You’re coaxed inside by the aroma and the promise of a caloric invasion that blitzes the palette, when in line you’re presented with a 50’s style menu consisting of more food toppings then actual food. However this is a smart idea, because it keeps the line moving and since everyone is ordering either a burger, fries or a hot dog, not only is the food coming out faster, but the food going in is noticeably fresher. Most holiday shoppers who prefer a sit down restaurant during the holiday rush will have higher chances of being plagued with aggravating wait times, rudeness whether it be from the wait staff or from the customer themselves, a sub-par meal and a wallet chaffing bill that may rival the amount that you spent on lil Timmy’s LEGO spaceship; which he’ll most certainly lose half of the parts to before he’s done unwrapping the damn gift.

                Christmas shopping can be annoying enough with all the traffic and mall Santa’s, but your lunch break doesn’t have to be. These deceptively filling bundles of saturated joy can make any person cry out of their naughty parts. Ordering the burger is easy, do you want one patty or two? The harder part for the first timers is what toppings would you like. Now they do have additional toppings that they charge extra for such as cheese, bacon and lap dances, but the friendly array of condiments and toppings like mayo, lettuce, ketchup, mustard, relish, tomatoes, grilled onions and grilled mushrooms can all be piled onto your burger for no cost at all. This combined with a side of gorgeous fries cooked in peanut oil and maybe a Coke will certainly help you forget about that fender bender you had in holiday traffic or that alimony payment you struggled to make the day before.

                Now if you’re wondering whether you have a FIVE GUYS in your area, the odds are on your side. They’re most likely ringing your door bell right now. Their little menu and lustful flavor have taken over the North American landscape and will soon be a branch of government.

                Well there it is, you finally got your way, FIVE GUYS. Another poor schmuck has taken time out of their day to kneel at your red and white checkered feet and will succumb to the scent that you heathens purposely pipe directly into traffic and the only way that I will boycott your franchise is if it was discovered your meat was made from ground puppies.

Happy Holidays you bastards.


Five Guys Burgers and Fries