The Average cost for an American wedding is about 25 grand. The average cost for a divorce is about 15 grand. How much does the best man take out of his pocket to compensate either scenario after shooting his mouth off about the time the groom got loose at the “massage parlor”? The answer is zero. And yet he’s still hitting the open bar that you overpaid for in order to wash down his shrimp cocktail. Many terrible traditions still reign supreme in today’s wedding ceremony, and some new ground rules should be put in place to avoid these oncoming train wrecks, from bad jokes to family secrets, to all out fist fights. Let’s explore some of these situations and maybe save a few marriages in the process.

            Let’s of course, start with the selection of the best man and the maid of honor. The original concept was simple, yet sincere. Now it’s been reduced to obligatory and guilt-ridden. Do you always have to pick your underachieving sibling or alcoholic best friend from college? For one thing, you can’t trust these people to do your laundry let alone use discretion while giving a speech during the reception. You invite dozens, if not hundreds of people to this one (and hopefully only) most important event in your life, but you emotionally concede in giving the microphone over to your railed out jerk-off cousin who spills the beans about how you got drunk one night and made out with Tommy’s wife of 5 years? It was Tommy, right? How can you tell through the slurred speech as your bestie slobbers into the microphone while your 70 year-old parents are watching in horror, trying desperately not to have dual heart attacks? You as a couple were just getting over the maid of honor’s speech where she suddenly thought it was open-mic night at the Comedy Cellar as she fires off one poorly timed inside joke after another. The maid of honor’s job is simply to prevent the bride-to-be from falling onto another guy before the wedding starts, after the wedding it’s fair game. Instead she’s trying to do her best Jerry Seinfeld impression as the microphone slowly melts into her champagne-stained cleavage.

            Here’s some new rules to consider; no drinking or drugs before the speech, or how about no speech at all? Bad jokes, forgettable memories, and family-dividing confessions make that 25 thousand dollar center-cut steak taste like a drive-thru hamburger. We’ve all probably witnessed the best of luck speech that quickly turned into a sob-fest; which results in some people leaving before the first dance of the newly married, but soon to be divorced couple.

            I once witnessed a best man essentially “come out of the closet” at a Christian wedding in front of 200 people…also in attendance was his wife and child. I found it curious when he spoke about dancing in his room to Britney Spears while his brother crushed Black Sabbath; insert some crying, a few confessions about being “different” and BANG! You’re on the dance floor and the Bestie returns from the bathroom dressed as a Dragonfly…Dragonfly. It had wings and everything.

            Another thing, when people get angry at weddings, why is it immediately the bride’s responsibility to go and make everyone happy again? Isn’t it her day? She’s the one wearing the dress and who put the whole ceremony together. She’s the one who has to put up with bad sex for next 20 years until the hubby stops putting out altogether. Here’s a subtle nudge, if you’re at a wedding and you become upset about something or someone…leave. Go home. Stomping around the reception trying to get people’s attention about the fact that you don’t like your assigned seat is so immature and yet it happens so often. It’s the bride and grooms time to be in the spotlight and enjoy themselves, so do us all a favor, if you’re throwing a temper tantrum about something, go drive your head into a snow bank to cool off your childish behavior.

            Here’s another trashy, half-ass move that’s common at most weddings- the useless gift. In traditional Italian weddings, if you didn’t have any true gift ideas that would separate you from the pack, one would leave cash. Any amount is fine; the newlywed couple will appreciate your generosity. Nobody needs a stainless steel toaster oven that wasn’t on the gift registry, unless later that same evening it’s used as a projectile aimed at your car window. No excuses, step your game up. Booze and cash wins every time.

            I can’t wait for the wedding invitation to show up in my mailbox, so that I may possibly write a sequel to this, because this party bus takes all kinds of passengers and I guarantee someone you didn’t expect to come, has an off night and blows chunks right in the ice bucket.

            Enjoy your Honeymoon!