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POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: EARTH VIEW PROPERTY

How would you like to earn over 230,000 frequent flyer miles in just one trip?

When I look at the stars at night during one of my cheesy John Cusack moments, I see a ton of unsold property...that has yet to be developed. Why? During the Apollo missions of the late 60's and early 70's, The United States successfully landed six times on the moon using technology that wasn't even advanced enough to run Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, although I'm sure oxygen was more of a priority than an 8-bit video game.

I understand that we as a race have enough problems to deal with on this little planet already that deserve more attention and funding, but I feel that as the super rich usually do, I feel this would be where the one percent would actually come in useful. With all their Uber Yachts, Hyper Cars and Island hopping, I feel this investment would be the ultimate display of “fuck me” money.

Now if your confused, let me explain the difference between “fuck you” money and “fuck me” money.

“Fuck you” money is when you never have to work again, you travel the world and own property on a small island in the South Pacific.

“Fuck me” money is when you buy that island...and sink it.

Now my Planetary Geology knowledge is a bit rusty, but I'm thinking that sinking the moon would prove quite difficult, but as a one percenter, how does flying first class on the very first cruise ship to a moon resort sound? 3 days of floating around, eating Beluga Caviar and having space sex with a high priced Russian Prostitutes, then having your own personal Mercedes Moon Cruiser to explore the limits of low gravity. As long as you don't hit a bump wrong and go spinning off into space. But hey, we could have preventative measures for that! As long as you stay within a certain radius, there could totally be a safety net to capture any moon buggies pulling an Evil Knievel. The probability of flying off into space is actually rather low, but I don't intend to lose any potential investors because they fitted their rides with rocket boosters.

Okay, I'm veering off a bit, but is this really just a big fantasy or this actually possible?

Not only is possible, it could have been constructed years ago. We already have investors pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into this very idea. So lets start with the basics...

How would we get there? Well according to the Apollo Missions, to blast out of earths orbit and slow down for a safe landing on the moon would take about 3 days, so proper entertainment and accommodations aboard the ship would be prudent (caviar, prostitutes). Once your done with them and have successfully jettisoned them into space (International Waters) a proper “spaceport” would be needed to ensure the arrival of the passengers, essential crew, baggage and supplies such as food, power sources and whatever else would be needed to run the LCA (Lunar Condo Association). I would assume the main power source for the entire LCA would be Solar power with a battery backup system. Would it be possible and more cost efficient to use nuclear power instead? I wouldn't rule it out as it burns very clean, but disposing of the depleted power cells may prove to be a hassle so setting up an field of solar panels may be the most simplistic solution. Now besides the scientific benefits of setting up shop on the moon, entertainment is another factor. Laser Tag would be a bit juvenile so maybe bungee jumping would prove to be an attraction, but instead of going down, your going out. Your attached to a bungee chord and then a booster shoots your body straight out into space...now that if wouldn't freak you the fuck out, clearly your inner adrenaline junkie needs therapy. Maybe your into naked hurricane skydiving, I don't know.

How about a Home Run Derby? You hit a heat shielded ball towards earth and if you aim correctly and the ball survives the earths atmosphere, you win. The ball would would have a tracking device and probably take about a week to get back to earth, so it would take just as long as a normal nine inning game.

Moon Buggy racing is a no brainer. It could even be broadcasted on ESPN and each buggy could have a sponsor. A rally track would be most sufficient, cus I dont think a standard NASCAR format would be very entertaining, it's already boring without crashes, so twists and turns are a must. Throw in a little Satellite TV package, decent Wi-Fi, an Equinox Gym and some performing arts...and your on your way.

Swimming's out though.

Since terrorism isn't really a concern when your over 230,000 miles away from earth, making sure condo fees are collected regularly may prove to be quite interesting when someone has to be evicted. It's already an expensive trip to begin with, plus owning the property, grocery shopping and whatever else I'm not thinking of. If someone were forced to leave the LCA, they would have to wait for the next transport to arrive, reload and then they would be transported back to earth. Don't expect us to not bill your cheap ass for the ride back home either!

Now I understand it would take a global effort with some corporate saber rattling to get this project moving, but it's absolutely achievable and once the logistics are solved, routine transports of building supplies along with Lunar Architects could make this less of a fantasy and turn it into something that the human race can really be proud of. The advancement in technology and scientific studies taking place could push the human race beyond anything we've ever achieved here on earth.

Just imagine waking up in the morning, reading the local newspaper, sipping on the finest Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee and having Planet Earth as a view...If that doesn't give you space wood, consult your doctor.

POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: HYPE MEN

 

(Editorial note: this topic is highly controversial. it is not meant to be humorous or to place blame on any ethnic community or division of law enforcement. Together we can achieve more, thank you.)

The media. They see color...one color. Green. How does one get more green? Ratings. What is an instant ratings boost? Race. Why do I sound like a Kindergarten Teacher? It's important to break this down as simply as possible as to not confuse “The Stupids” who wander across my evermore visible website. It's true, I'm white...well currently I have a nice tan going. I have blue eyes. I'm not black. I'm not a cop. What could I possibly know about the ongoing racial crisis in this country? Here goes nothing...

Let's revisit the media before I discuss my background, I treat this whole situation like a boxing match. In one corner, you have the Black community, made out to look like the sole target of racism, beatings, oppression, shootings, just an absolute shit sandwich that the media cooks up and shoves down your throat, influencing viewers and then spreading like a bad telephone connection across the office, college campus and dinner table. A community of people whose growth has been slowed and exploited by the media, allowing the real problems to go unchecked, while politicians use the same tactics to push their bullshit agendas and achieve a higher seat for a larger paycheck.

In the other corner, you have the Police. A peace-keeping unit forced by local, state and federal governments to not only patrol these poorly funded and poorly educated neighborhoods, but then trained to enforce garbage quotas by writing chicken-shit tickets to regular tax payers who already have their paychecks stripped for mandatory health insurance, federal taxes and other crap that gets used for who the fuck knows what. In the middle, you have the media, TV, Online, Social Media. As a whole, they're raising the drama to a tipping point only to give themselves better ratings. Is it a gun control problem? Not really. Is it a racial problem? Not really. Is it a political problem? Yes. Is it a family problem? Yes.

Is it an education problem? Damn Straight.

Let's break down law enforcement, essentially a large number of small town kids (Black, White, Latino, etc) are sent through their local or state Academies and then placed in areas with much higher and more mixed populations...oh and they carry a gun. Like any company or group or organization, your going to have mixed results. I don't like when a kid from a town of 2000 people goes through the academy only to be sent patrolling into a population of 500,000. Imagine being a local comedian opening at a small night club in Portland, Oregon and then the next night...your headlining...at the Apollo in Harlem. Now times that by several thousand comedians...is this mic on?

Now you have the another large portion of the police force, former Military. We send these people over to hell on earth, their friends die in front of them, they're homesick, they'll go days without showering or proper nutrition. Their survival depends on quick, instinctive decision making, a tool that's sharpened by months of intense physical, mental and emotional training. Now your to ask these defenders of the free world, many with severe amounts of PTSD and social anxiety to return to the states and write speeding tickets to people driving Volvos? Are you fucking serious? They're heroes, not meter maids. Not only that, now they're also fodder for the media showing them as trigger-happy killers of black people. A smart cop trained to protect and serve will most likely do exactly that. A stupid cop trained to write parking tickets to meet their quota will do exactly that. A wreckless cop who uses PED's and is left unchecked will not only shoot a black person...he'll shoot anyone that misunderstands that officer's command. A heroic cop who rescued a wounded soldier in Afghanistan while under heavy fire will not only rescue a black kid from a burning complex...he'll rescue any kid from a burning complex.

As a common rule, I believe Law Enforcement should have stricter policies on the use of Performance Enhancing Drugs. I will not comment on the foreign battlefield, but here, this domestic battlefield, I'm not a fan of a man or women in uniform patrolling the neighborhood running juice, for the simple fact that the chances of escalating an already delicate situation can be raised dramatically. I am, however in favor of Law Enforcement utilizing marijuana for it's medicinal purposes, such as relieving anxiety and depression, two traits commonly found in those wearing a badge.

My father was a beat-walking Narcotics Officer for the heavily saturated Burrows of New York during the 60's and 70's. A time of heavy protesting, another wave of ethnic integration, and the lack of stability within the city created, eventually forcing the creation of the Tactical Patrol Unit, also referred to as “Riot Cops”.

Imagine this, you and a dozen other officers are told to get on a transit bus and proceed 20 blocks up the streets of Manhattan, strapping on helmets, body armor and carrying body bunkers in preparation of large unruly crowds. Off the bus you all go, standing in front of hundreds of mildly peaceful protesters. However, as the Black Panthers and other organizations would do to escalate the situation, loud speakers were used to incite the crowds, more noise, more confusion...more chaos. In the front of the crowd, you could have seemingly normal and legitimate citizens, but hiding in the back out of view from the media were professional protesters, throwing objects such as the infamous Molotov Cocktail. A glass bottle filled with a flammable liquid and stuffed with a lit rag that would explode on contact. Not only were these landing on cops, setting them on fire, but there were also people on the roofs throwing them down on unsuspecting officers wearing several pounds of Riot Gear. As the Police begin to collide with the front of the crowd in order to disperse them, that is when the media gets their money shot. That is back in 1975, imagine this with today's media accessibility. With racial Puppet Masters like the Reverend Al Sharpton, these incidents are then given a voice on national television prompting idiot celebrities to voice their uneducated opinion; which then helps light a fuse for a potential situation where multiple cops are killed, causing their triggers to tighten for even the smallest traffic infraction.

Hearing my fathers stories, going for ride-alongs and reading about his world not only as a Patrolmen in NYC during the chaos of the early 70's, but as a Police Lieutenant who fought against the corruption of a local PD along with the County Sheriffs office gives me a unique understanding of just how much work needs to be done on all three fronts.

The media needs to be held accountable for what is and what isn't published.

Better instructors and more intelligent cadets conducive to heavily populated environments are required to approach the sensitive and growing task of public safety. Better education, properly filtered funding and more stable families are the true building blocks of a safer, more flourishing neighborhood. We don't need the media picking and choosing their stories in order to move the needle towards their ultimate goal, whether the agenda is financial or political. A shitty neighborhood with shitty inhabitants and patrolled by shitty cops giving shitty tickets is...a giant pile of shit.

...someone get a shovel.