Filtering by Tag: news

Positive Sarcasm Presents: American Hypocrite

 

'Twas the night of the election and all thru the town, not a liberal was smiling; just a wet, sloppy frown.

The ballots were collected and counted with care; and the winner is a man with a big orange face...and infamous hair.'

You idiots were told very distinctly and very recently, not to trust the news. Well, that's what you get for not paying attention to the trend. Every single major US network news channel including FOX News and AP, nearly every major US newspaper and nearly every major US online poll had Hillary Clinton running away with this election. Who do you think actually goes out to get the numbers? CNN? No, stupid. They pay an independent firm who is either, lazy, incompetent, or has an agenda of their own to collect and deliver information or in this case, misinformation. But for some odd reason, everyone had it wrong. Everyone. Even FOX News bought into the majority of what everyone else was doing and assumed that Goldmember had no chance of stepping foot inside the White House, unless he was tagging along for a High School field trip. Then at the stroke of midnight, the sobering tally of electoral votes turned Cinderella into that Herpes pumpkin you fucked after a bad breakup.

Now the crying, in many ways, I can completely understand. Yes, it's very easy to mock and spoof, but hey we all cry for weird reasons, so I'll move pass that. However, rioting I won't. Anyone who thinks the most intelligent protests would be at a major University should be deported to Stupidville. College kids are morons. I know, I was one, I knew how to smuggle booze on campus and yell shit at R.A.'s without getting caught. I was surrounded by a vast majority of similar idiots doing the same thing, but we only cried during sporting events, Yankees/Red Sox, y'know...important stuff.

However the kid who crapped in the Urinal, that was a rogue mission, we had nothing to do with that.

When you say you're going to have a peaceful protest, unless it's a hunger strike, you can bet your ass the morons and professional protesters will cling on to your cause and when the media fixes their cameras on your protest, that's when windows get broken, cars are vandalized, civilians get hurt and your protest meets The Thin Blue Line, this line is very simple, cross it and the Police will then consider you a threat to the general public.

Regardless of what you say during the protest, your catchy slogans such as “Not My President” and “We Hate Trump”, are numb, pointless and hollow.

Here's why: I have five email accounts syncing by the minute to three devices. They go back almost a decade with no gaps and zero administrative staff to organize them, yet you chose a Secretary of State whose job is to be organized (Secretary) as your candidate of choice, who made over 30,000 of her Top Secret Santa emails...disappear. Then she lied about it in front of congress, the congress “We The People” voted for. WHY?!?!?! You had the perfect guy in Bernie Sanders to give you the free health insurance and college education that you happily would have squandered in your own selfish douchery. But instead, you kicked that poor Jew from Brooklyn (Bernie) to the Curb in favor of the house of cards that is Hillary Clinton who couldn't hold a candle politically to Barack Obama or Mitt Romney.

Now you want to move to Canada? Fine, see ya. Just in case you're not aware, we have plenty of other people ready to fill your vacancy, loser. Everyday, from all over the world, people are applying for H-1, H-2, K-1 and Refugee status, this can take months, often years.

First off, why Canada? Are you too good for Mexico? Oh in a rush, you'll fill your fat, stupid face with Taco Bell or Chipotle, but when it comes to the genuine article, you suddenly lose your appetite for Cilantro. Fuck you, Hypocrite.

What's a little drug war and bad water supply to stop you from scoring cheap real estate, stocking up on Boner Pills, plus opening up a nice little coffee shop with a steady flow of tourist dollars? We in the US also have a massive drug war and a water problem. We also have an obesity problem, political corruption, school shootings, an Opioid crisis, an obsolete education system and a mental health problem...especially on Capitol Hill. How's Cancun looking right about now? I bet you could score some real nice ocean front property in Baja for cheap money instead of migrating to that over-populated, over-priced, over-fantasized Los Angeles. Hope you like bloated taxes and higher gas prices! You American Political Refugees seriously believe your better off in Canada than Mexico? It doesn't snow all that much in Southern California, but you might see a snowflake or two in Toronto or Vancouver...who also rioted after their Hockey Team lost in the Stanley Cup Final. Why do you think everyone in New England acts like assholes? Cus we get buried in over six feet of snow; which cancels school and now we have to spend time with our annoying children for another 8 hours before digging our cars out and shoveling the driveway, FUCK!

Mexico...Two Oceans.

Canada...Bears.

Look, I get it. Your fighter lost. The news lied to you and WILL keep lying to you. A lot of Americans (including myself) either didn't show up to vote and if they did, they wrote in Harambe, the dead gorilla.

Your screaming at each other on Twitter and Facebook, like that solves anything. Your venting, you've supported something for so long, only to see it fail. Now you're here, Donald Duck is President and your not sure what to believe in or think, your in a panic. Your guzzling Maple Syrup in hopes that you'll turn into a Canadian Citizen. When you calm down and realize that America is still here, call your friends that you yelled at on facebook and ask them to talk. Tell them that you love them and that your sorry. That's what a country of united people would do. Build a relationship based on common interests and common goals, appreciate balance and diversity, don't force it. Respect a difference in opinion, don't talk over it and call it bigotry.

Please understand that as of today there was just as many stupid people in your country as there was before November 8th...don't make yourself one of them.

By the way...Bernie Sanders just purchased a third house.

 

 

 

POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: HYPE MEN

 

(Editorial note: this topic is highly controversial. it is not meant to be humorous or to place blame on any ethnic community or division of law enforcement. Together we can achieve more, thank you.)

The media. They see color...one color. Green. How does one get more green? Ratings. What is an instant ratings boost? Race. Why do I sound like a Kindergarten Teacher? It's important to break this down as simply as possible as to not confuse “The Stupids” who wander across my evermore visible website. It's true, I'm white...well currently I have a nice tan going. I have blue eyes. I'm not black. I'm not a cop. What could I possibly know about the ongoing racial crisis in this country? Here goes nothing...

Let's revisit the media before I discuss my background, I treat this whole situation like a boxing match. In one corner, you have the Black community, made out to look like the sole target of racism, beatings, oppression, shootings, just an absolute shit sandwich that the media cooks up and shoves down your throat, influencing viewers and then spreading like a bad telephone connection across the office, college campus and dinner table. A community of people whose growth has been slowed and exploited by the media, allowing the real problems to go unchecked, while politicians use the same tactics to push their bullshit agendas and achieve a higher seat for a larger paycheck.

In the other corner, you have the Police. A peace-keeping unit forced by local, state and federal governments to not only patrol these poorly funded and poorly educated neighborhoods, but then trained to enforce garbage quotas by writing chicken-shit tickets to regular tax payers who already have their paychecks stripped for mandatory health insurance, federal taxes and other crap that gets used for who the fuck knows what. In the middle, you have the media, TV, Online, Social Media. As a whole, they're raising the drama to a tipping point only to give themselves better ratings. Is it a gun control problem? Not really. Is it a racial problem? Not really. Is it a political problem? Yes. Is it a family problem? Yes.

Is it an education problem? Damn Straight.

Let's break down law enforcement, essentially a large number of small town kids (Black, White, Latino, etc) are sent through their local or state Academies and then placed in areas with much higher and more mixed populations...oh and they carry a gun. Like any company or group or organization, your going to have mixed results. I don't like when a kid from a town of 2000 people goes through the academy only to be sent patrolling into a population of 500,000. Imagine being a local comedian opening at a small night club in Portland, Oregon and then the next night...your headlining...at the Apollo in Harlem. Now times that by several thousand comedians...is this mic on?

Now you have the another large portion of the police force, former Military. We send these people over to hell on earth, their friends die in front of them, they're homesick, they'll go days without showering or proper nutrition. Their survival depends on quick, instinctive decision making, a tool that's sharpened by months of intense physical, mental and emotional training. Now your to ask these defenders of the free world, many with severe amounts of PTSD and social anxiety to return to the states and write speeding tickets to people driving Volvos? Are you fucking serious? They're heroes, not meter maids. Not only that, now they're also fodder for the media showing them as trigger-happy killers of black people. A smart cop trained to protect and serve will most likely do exactly that. A stupid cop trained to write parking tickets to meet their quota will do exactly that. A wreckless cop who uses PED's and is left unchecked will not only shoot a black person...he'll shoot anyone that misunderstands that officer's command. A heroic cop who rescued a wounded soldier in Afghanistan while under heavy fire will not only rescue a black kid from a burning complex...he'll rescue any kid from a burning complex.

As a common rule, I believe Law Enforcement should have stricter policies on the use of Performance Enhancing Drugs. I will not comment on the foreign battlefield, but here, this domestic battlefield, I'm not a fan of a man or women in uniform patrolling the neighborhood running juice, for the simple fact that the chances of escalating an already delicate situation can be raised dramatically. I am, however in favor of Law Enforcement utilizing marijuana for it's medicinal purposes, such as relieving anxiety and depression, two traits commonly found in those wearing a badge.

My father was a beat-walking Narcotics Officer for the heavily saturated Burrows of New York during the 60's and 70's. A time of heavy protesting, another wave of ethnic integration, and the lack of stability within the city created, eventually forcing the creation of the Tactical Patrol Unit, also referred to as “Riot Cops”.

Imagine this, you and a dozen other officers are told to get on a transit bus and proceed 20 blocks up the streets of Manhattan, strapping on helmets, body armor and carrying body bunkers in preparation of large unruly crowds. Off the bus you all go, standing in front of hundreds of mildly peaceful protesters. However, as the Black Panthers and other organizations would do to escalate the situation, loud speakers were used to incite the crowds, more noise, more confusion...more chaos. In the front of the crowd, you could have seemingly normal and legitimate citizens, but hiding in the back out of view from the media were professional protesters, throwing objects such as the infamous Molotov Cocktail. A glass bottle filled with a flammable liquid and stuffed with a lit rag that would explode on contact. Not only were these landing on cops, setting them on fire, but there were also people on the roofs throwing them down on unsuspecting officers wearing several pounds of Riot Gear. As the Police begin to collide with the front of the crowd in order to disperse them, that is when the media gets their money shot. That is back in 1975, imagine this with today's media accessibility. With racial Puppet Masters like the Reverend Al Sharpton, these incidents are then given a voice on national television prompting idiot celebrities to voice their uneducated opinion; which then helps light a fuse for a potential situation where multiple cops are killed, causing their triggers to tighten for even the smallest traffic infraction.

Hearing my fathers stories, going for ride-alongs and reading about his world not only as a Patrolmen in NYC during the chaos of the early 70's, but as a Police Lieutenant who fought against the corruption of a local PD along with the County Sheriffs office gives me a unique understanding of just how much work needs to be done on all three fronts.

The media needs to be held accountable for what is and what isn't published.

Better instructors and more intelligent cadets conducive to heavily populated environments are required to approach the sensitive and growing task of public safety. Better education, properly filtered funding and more stable families are the true building blocks of a safer, more flourishing neighborhood. We don't need the media picking and choosing their stories in order to move the needle towards their ultimate goal, whether the agenda is financial or political. A shitty neighborhood with shitty inhabitants and patrolled by shitty cops giving shitty tickets is...a giant pile of shit.

...someone get a shovel.