Filtering by Tag: trump

Positive Sarcasm Presents: American Hypocrite

 

'Twas the night of the election and all thru the town, not a liberal was smiling; just a wet, sloppy frown.

The ballots were collected and counted with care; and the winner is a man with a big orange face...and infamous hair.'

You idiots were told very distinctly and very recently, not to trust the news. Well, that's what you get for not paying attention to the trend. Every single major US network news channel including FOX News and AP, nearly every major US newspaper and nearly every major US online poll had Hillary Clinton running away with this election. Who do you think actually goes out to get the numbers? CNN? No, stupid. They pay an independent firm who is either, lazy, incompetent, or has an agenda of their own to collect and deliver information or in this case, misinformation. But for some odd reason, everyone had it wrong. Everyone. Even FOX News bought into the majority of what everyone else was doing and assumed that Goldmember had no chance of stepping foot inside the White House, unless he was tagging along for a High School field trip. Then at the stroke of midnight, the sobering tally of electoral votes turned Cinderella into that Herpes pumpkin you fucked after a bad breakup.

Now the crying, in many ways, I can completely understand. Yes, it's very easy to mock and spoof, but hey we all cry for weird reasons, so I'll move pass that. However, rioting I won't. Anyone who thinks the most intelligent protests would be at a major University should be deported to Stupidville. College kids are morons. I know, I was one, I knew how to smuggle booze on campus and yell shit at R.A.'s without getting caught. I was surrounded by a vast majority of similar idiots doing the same thing, but we only cried during sporting events, Yankees/Red Sox, y'know...important stuff.

However the kid who crapped in the Urinal, that was a rogue mission, we had nothing to do with that.

When you say you're going to have a peaceful protest, unless it's a hunger strike, you can bet your ass the morons and professional protesters will cling on to your cause and when the media fixes their cameras on your protest, that's when windows get broken, cars are vandalized, civilians get hurt and your protest meets The Thin Blue Line, this line is very simple, cross it and the Police will then consider you a threat to the general public.

Regardless of what you say during the protest, your catchy slogans such as “Not My President” and “We Hate Trump”, are numb, pointless and hollow.

Here's why: I have five email accounts syncing by the minute to three devices. They go back almost a decade with no gaps and zero administrative staff to organize them, yet you chose a Secretary of State whose job is to be organized (Secretary) as your candidate of choice, who made over 30,000 of her Top Secret Santa emails...disappear. Then she lied about it in front of congress, the congress “We The People” voted for. WHY?!?!?! You had the perfect guy in Bernie Sanders to give you the free health insurance and college education that you happily would have squandered in your own selfish douchery. But instead, you kicked that poor Jew from Brooklyn (Bernie) to the Curb in favor of the house of cards that is Hillary Clinton who couldn't hold a candle politically to Barack Obama or Mitt Romney.

Now you want to move to Canada? Fine, see ya. Just in case you're not aware, we have plenty of other people ready to fill your vacancy, loser. Everyday, from all over the world, people are applying for H-1, H-2, K-1 and Refugee status, this can take months, often years.

First off, why Canada? Are you too good for Mexico? Oh in a rush, you'll fill your fat, stupid face with Taco Bell or Chipotle, but when it comes to the genuine article, you suddenly lose your appetite for Cilantro. Fuck you, Hypocrite.

What's a little drug war and bad water supply to stop you from scoring cheap real estate, stocking up on Boner Pills, plus opening up a nice little coffee shop with a steady flow of tourist dollars? We in the US also have a massive drug war and a water problem. We also have an obesity problem, political corruption, school shootings, an Opioid crisis, an obsolete education system and a mental health problem...especially on Capitol Hill. How's Cancun looking right about now? I bet you could score some real nice ocean front property in Baja for cheap money instead of migrating to that over-populated, over-priced, over-fantasized Los Angeles. Hope you like bloated taxes and higher gas prices! You American Political Refugees seriously believe your better off in Canada than Mexico? It doesn't snow all that much in Southern California, but you might see a snowflake or two in Toronto or Vancouver...who also rioted after their Hockey Team lost in the Stanley Cup Final. Why do you think everyone in New England acts like assholes? Cus we get buried in over six feet of snow; which cancels school and now we have to spend time with our annoying children for another 8 hours before digging our cars out and shoveling the driveway, FUCK!

Mexico...Two Oceans.

Canada...Bears.

Look, I get it. Your fighter lost. The news lied to you and WILL keep lying to you. A lot of Americans (including myself) either didn't show up to vote and if they did, they wrote in Harambe, the dead gorilla.

Your screaming at each other on Twitter and Facebook, like that solves anything. Your venting, you've supported something for so long, only to see it fail. Now you're here, Donald Duck is President and your not sure what to believe in or think, your in a panic. Your guzzling Maple Syrup in hopes that you'll turn into a Canadian Citizen. When you calm down and realize that America is still here, call your friends that you yelled at on facebook and ask them to talk. Tell them that you love them and that your sorry. That's what a country of united people would do. Build a relationship based on common interests and common goals, appreciate balance and diversity, don't force it. Respect a difference in opinion, don't talk over it and call it bigotry.

Please understand that as of today there was just as many stupid people in your country as there was before November 8th...don't make yourself one of them.

By the way...Bernie Sanders just purchased a third house.

 

 

 

Positive Sarcasm Presents: THE REPUBLICAN'TS VS THE DUMBOCRATS...A FORBIDDEN LOVE STORY

Ever seen Romeo & Juliet? It's totally like that. Follow me on this; what if Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton secretly...are lovers. After what I've seen on TV and Social Media, nothing should be ruled out.

All of that hateful rhetoric being thrown around is all a giant distraction from two flawed human beings, who twice a week meet at the Airport Radisson and proceed to sexually overpower each other with breathy campaign slogans while Secret Service guards the door. She checks in under the name 'Fainty McButtercalves' to draw away any possible attention from the media.

Back in the 80's and 90's when Big Willy Clinton was meat-plowing Secretaries and IHOP Servers, poor little Hillary was stuck at home with nothing to do, but to choose what color Tweed Jacket she was going to wear out to her weekly Bilderberg Book Club meeting. Even on her Husbands campaign trail, she was alone, with human needs, just wanting to be cuddled after being throttled like a 1200 CC Harley.

Then one day at a rally in Manhattan, she met a man with more shoulder padding in his suits than most offensive lines in the NFL. His charm was sharpened from all the Miss Universe contestants he smashed on the regular, but he craved something more, something challenging, something of potential power. The calorie deficient runway models were no longer a challenge for him, he had a secret thirst for conservatively dressed women with thick pale thighs. He stared through Hillary like a thin slice of turkey at Subway. You know why Hillary faints? It's whenever she sees The Donald. His musky cologne and pervy orange smile turns her undergarments into a Disney Water park. They had to have each other. No woman has ever dared to run their fingers through The Donald's hair, it has it's own atmosphere that allows it to stay just so perfectly light and fluffy, like Angel Food Cake.

While Bill was crushing donuts for some public relations photo shoot, The Donald invited Hillary to the Plaza Hotel over by Central Park, the sexual tension as they passed through the majestic lobby was mounting with every step of his Italian Oxfords and her modest Ferragamo pumps. “Where are we going, Mr. Trump?” she said with an anxious tremble... “To Heaven, my dear. Ever been there? It's 18 stories up.” He replied with a smirk.

One elevator ride and two sprays of Binaca later, the elevator opened ever so quickly to reveal the two in full chapped lip lock, struggling to unbutton each others Wool Jackets...cus it was cold out. Thankfully, Mrs Clinton had already peed before meeting Donald, so there wasn't that pre-sex waiting period where the chick's gotta use the bathroom before jumping into bed. Hillary was purring like a kitten as Donald removed his pants...but left his socks on...cus it was cold in the Penthouse.

He squeezed Hillary by her once child bearing midsection and pronounced his ever-growing love for the 1984 Arkansas Mother of the Year. “One day I'm gonna make you Senator of New York, so we can screw New Yorkers as hard as we are about to screw each other. “

They made passionate, sweaty, Bi-Partisan love for 7 minutes...she got a cramp in her leg and his acid reflux started to act up so they laid on the bed recovering and planning their affair.

Through the years, campaign scandals, ex-wives, lawsuits and donations from foreign entities, the two Presidential candidates, despite all the public scrutiny regarding Hillary's email server, managed to successfully conceal her love letters to The Donald as they recited movie quotes from 'Sleepless in Seattle' and 'You Got Mail', cus how do you not love Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? I mean they were just meant for each other, right? I cry every time I see it...fuck, I cry during every movie, actually.

No matter who wins the election, One will financially pardon the other through some federal accounting “snafu”, poor Bill will contract some terminal STD, he's pretty old anyway, so it won't really matter. Then after Hillary suicides the FBI Director, and bankrupts the country, Donald can funnel all his assets into offshore accounts and while filing for bankruptcy for the fifth time, laying off his entire US workforce and after Hillary resigns from office citing health reasons, she will file for divorce from Big Willy, so that finally, the two star-crossed lovers can runaway together to Switzerland, a non-extradition country...and they will live happily ever after.

I'm Bernie Sanders...and I approved this message.

POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: TACONACHT (NIGHT OF BROKEN TACOS)

 

Nacht: German Translation “Night”

Taco: Spanish Translation “Taco”

On the night of November 9th, 1938, Nazi Paramilitary swept through Jewish Neighborhoods, lighting fires to Synagogues, rounding up male Jews and raiding all Jewish businesses, leaving over a hundred people dead, and entire German neighborhoods virtually uninhabitable. The massive amounts of shattered glass covering the streets gave way to the name “Kristallnacht”, translated means “Night of Broken Glass”.

The rest is history...oh wait, there's more!

Now unlike our Hispanic population here in the United States, Germany at the time only had roughly 500,000 Jews, less than one percent of the entire German population before the invasion of Poland in 1939. A certainly more manageable number for what the Third Reich had planned. Nobody wanted large amounts of Jewish Refugees fleeing to their country, so the vast majority were sent back to Germany and a new solution had to be hatched by Adolf Hitler, it was referred to as the “Final Solution”

Did you get all that? Do you need to go hop on YouTube or Wikipedia and brush up on your Holocaust history? Go ahead...I'll wait.

Spanish Philosopher George Santayana coined the phrase “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Here we sit almost 80 years after Kristallnacht addressing the issue of immigration with neighbors to the south, Central and South America. Now I'm guessing that Hitler would have had a much tougher time moving some 7-10 Million undocumented immigrants out of the country, and with a constant media stream floating thru the streets, the ultimate plan of one Adolf Hitler would most certainly fail. Before the idea of mass murder, Hitler just wanted all the Jews out of Germany and surrounding territories. If it wasn't for a few key strategic mistakes, the plan would have succeeded.

Stick with me on this...

With the U.S. Election just around the corner, Hillary Clinton is fine with just letting everyone into the U.S. and we can all be one giant, friendly, undocumented family. Donald Trump wants everyone out in an effort to turn America into a Poofy-haired castle with gold borders. Now I understand the idea of limiting access to refugees from around the world, but let's face it, the majority of undocumented Latino immigrants are here to stay. In my opinion, many should stay. Your not going to deport 7-10 million people without making the United States descend into pure violent chaos. We can't force the police to act like the Gestapo and drag illegals out of their homes in the millions and herd them all into trains, sound familiar?

In time, I believe Mexico will have the infrastructure to battle the drug cartels, rampant poverty and political corruption plaguing their country. This will help ease the stress off America's shoulders a bit, but let's face facts, if a group of fat bouncers can hold off thousands of drunken groupies at a Guns n' Roses concert, then I think there is room for improvement at the Mexican Border.

Now I'm sure your head must be spinning with the premise of me connecting Nazi Germany, Jewish persecution, National Security and Immigration Policy all into one article. Well for one thing, I am a Jew and I love Mexican food so I'm treating this whole thing like a really spicy Salsa, so break out your favorite nacho chips and keep reading.

 

In order for Hitler to eradicate the Jews, he had to erase all evidence of their existence, that includes churches, businesses, families and so on. Also the State of Israel wasn't founded until 1948, 3 years after the war had ended; which in comparison to Mexico is like having a studio apartment in the shitty part of town. Mexico is right there, it's big and it's not going anywhere, so there's issue one.

Stability wise, Before Hitler came to power, Germany was in ruins from World War I and without true leadership and received less than sufficient help from the west; which was in the midst of the Great Depression. The United States today, is far more streamlined, has a far more stable government, so if a future leader of the Free World were to blame all our current problems on the undocumented population, he or she would find far more resistance from congress and the media. We also have to compare resistance from the population, including documented and undocumented, 9.5 million Jews living in Europe during the 1930's versus almost 60 million Latinos living in today's United States, that's not a kidney stone, that's a bowling ball. It took the Third Reich about 5 years to “remove” some 6 million Jews, but in the process, also was responsible for more than 1 million Polish civilians, 1 million Yugoslavs, etc. So try to press down on 7-10 million undocumented people and see what happens when you receive backlash from just the 60 million Latinos alone, then watch the Mexican infrastructure collapse as you shove all those people back into their meager economy.

Now as far as the culture goes, it's deeply sewn into our landscape as well as it's exploits and stereotypes. You'd have to blow up every single Chipotle, Taco Bell, Boloco, El Torito, and Margaritas in not just the United States, but the world. I hate to break it to you, but the word “Taco” translated in Spanish is FUCKING TACO!!! It's a yummy, crunchy wedge that we stick delicious food into and it's like a party went off in your mouth! You gonna run around town and smash em all? NO! It's not happening, especially the soft taco shells.

With maybe the exception of legit criminals, your not deporting jack-shit. You really think the rest of America is going to pick up the slack and do the jobs they do? Nooooo, we're too proud, we'd rather sit on our obese asses and collect fucking government checks every month, all the while complaining about Police Brutality or whatever is running across the ticker on the TV that you scored at Rent-A-Center.

Jose Cuervo? How about NO-se Cuervo? Corona...more like CoroNOT!

You gonna ditch all the Tequila and imported beer that millions of Americans abuse on a weekly basis?

Seriously, they do a ton of jobs that most people don't want to do, they work their asses off regardless of the conditions, they hold traditional family values in high regard, and they make fantastic Italian food. So you can limit access all you want to others seeking refugee status in the States, you can build your walls and setup patrols all across the boarder, but whether you like it or not, the Hispanic population is deeply and beautifully embedded into the fabric of America and in time we will improve conditions along the boarder and throughout the population of Central America. Viva El Mexico.

...Cilantro and Ranchero music, one tastes disgusting and the other sounds disgusting...burn that shit tho.