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POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: PHOTOSHOOT FROM HELL

 

It's a beautiful, crisp Saturday afternoon by the ocean. As always, I show up over-prepared and properly energetic with a slight attitude. I'm a bit of a diva during a photoshoot, I tend to get prickly when things are missing or the process is taking too long or someone isn't prepared. This day was looking promising tho. With the combination of blue skies and my blue eyes...What could go wrong?

 

It was decided that the next shoot would be of an intense nature, no stereotypical gym scene or loner shots staring stupidly off into nothing like last time. It was time to tear shit up on the boardwalk and in the seaside hotel room. The goal of the shoot was simple, start off by the water in evening wear, then make our way into the city for some nighttime evening gown gorgeousness (not on me), then when we return to the hotel, we would seemingly tear the place to pieces in a champagne fueled, sweat dripping shit-show that would make Vanity Fair look like a children's book. Well at least this Diva was ready to own the camera, the other arrived late...with a headache...which I later contracted.

 

Rule number one, show up on time.

Rule number two, show up practiced and prepared.

Rule number three, don't go back on your word.

 

Failure of Rule One: Cinderella was supposed to show up around 3pm; which gave us substantial time in daylight before transitioning towards the evening wear in the city. Well Snow White showed up around quarter of five as the September sun quickly deteriorated into the ether. Now the feeling of being rushed during a shoot is a total mojo killer. The photographer has to adjust their position faster now that the light is starting to dissipate. We still had to travel another twenty minutes to our evening destination, so we were losing precious light during our travels, costing us potential quality shots. I was a pro though, ready to change clothes and hop in the car at a moments notice.

 

Failure of Rule Two: Sleeping Beauty has some health issues where she gets chronic migraines if she doesn't eat or is overtired. I, of course, showed up like a true Physique Competitor, pre-prepped meals, plenty of caffeine and a little booze to take the edge off, if needed. All my clothes fit perfectly and my shoes were recently polished, plus a fresh shave to top off my readiness. Sadly, Alice was truly in Wonderland when she chose several beautiful evening dresses...that she hadn't worn since prom. So leaning over on the beach or doing anything photoshoot friendly was essentially nullified. You would also think she'd at least throw a burger down her throat before showing up to disappoint us, but her ever-growing headache combined with my rapidly decreasing patience was pretty evident in the photographer's photos.

 

Failure of Rule Three: After feeding two weeks worth of bullshit to our photographer who had already paid for the oceanfront hotel, Rapunzel laid down the Gauntlet the minute she walked into the room after arriving late, announcing that she didn't feel comfortable doing the underwear portion of the shoot, because she didn't want to disrespect her boyfriend...yeah, because that always stops them. Pocahontas was fully aware of the terms of the shoot and the effort that was put forward to make this shoot a delicious three-layered cake for the eyes to feast on, but instead we were left with a giant pile of shit that exploded in the oven. It would have been amazing for everyone's portfolios and now the photos look less appealing than evidence from a murder scene. Someone call CSI: New England, cus this Little Fucking Mermaid just shot this whole photoshoot to shreds, finally climaxing with our photographer dumping all her camera gear on the ground, signifying an uncomfortable walk back to my Saab...the only reliable thing that whole damn evening.

 

My take on mastering this collection of photoshoots was to mix reality and plausible fantasy instead of the same old processed cheese that gets easy attention, easy likes, and sympathetic publicity. I wanted to push some boundaries and not leave any ideas on the table, unless the plan was to break or burn the table. Shock is important to an extent, but without back story and attention to detail, your left with just a grainy dick pic. After this disaster had passed, I might as well have gone into the bathroom and pointed my camera phone towards the inside of my boxer briefs.

 

Your on social media and you see all these perfect photoshoots, with perfect makeup, perfect clothing, perfect editing, perfect posing and perfect emotion. This entire day almost went unused. As I drove back to the hotel fuming, I was desperately thinking about how to salvage this waste of time and resources. Well here you are...

 

I present to you...a photoshoot from Hell.

 

POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: TACONACHT (NIGHT OF BROKEN TACOS)

 

Nacht: German Translation “Night”

Taco: Spanish Translation “Taco”

On the night of November 9th, 1938, Nazi Paramilitary swept through Jewish Neighborhoods, lighting fires to Synagogues, rounding up male Jews and raiding all Jewish businesses, leaving over a hundred people dead, and entire German neighborhoods virtually uninhabitable. The massive amounts of shattered glass covering the streets gave way to the name “Kristallnacht”, translated means “Night of Broken Glass”.

The rest is history...oh wait, there's more!

Now unlike our Hispanic population here in the United States, Germany at the time only had roughly 500,000 Jews, less than one percent of the entire German population before the invasion of Poland in 1939. A certainly more manageable number for what the Third Reich had planned. Nobody wanted large amounts of Jewish Refugees fleeing to their country, so the vast majority were sent back to Germany and a new solution had to be hatched by Adolf Hitler, it was referred to as the “Final Solution”

Did you get all that? Do you need to go hop on YouTube or Wikipedia and brush up on your Holocaust history? Go ahead...I'll wait.

Spanish Philosopher George Santayana coined the phrase “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Here we sit almost 80 years after Kristallnacht addressing the issue of immigration with neighbors to the south, Central and South America. Now I'm guessing that Hitler would have had a much tougher time moving some 7-10 Million undocumented immigrants out of the country, and with a constant media stream floating thru the streets, the ultimate plan of one Adolf Hitler would most certainly fail. Before the idea of mass murder, Hitler just wanted all the Jews out of Germany and surrounding territories. If it wasn't for a few key strategic mistakes, the plan would have succeeded.

Stick with me on this...

With the U.S. Election just around the corner, Hillary Clinton is fine with just letting everyone into the U.S. and we can all be one giant, friendly, undocumented family. Donald Trump wants everyone out in an effort to turn America into a Poofy-haired castle with gold borders. Now I understand the idea of limiting access to refugees from around the world, but let's face it, the majority of undocumented Latino immigrants are here to stay. In my opinion, many should stay. Your not going to deport 7-10 million people without making the United States descend into pure violent chaos. We can't force the police to act like the Gestapo and drag illegals out of their homes in the millions and herd them all into trains, sound familiar?

In time, I believe Mexico will have the infrastructure to battle the drug cartels, rampant poverty and political corruption plaguing their country. This will help ease the stress off America's shoulders a bit, but let's face facts, if a group of fat bouncers can hold off thousands of drunken groupies at a Guns n' Roses concert, then I think there is room for improvement at the Mexican Border.

Now I'm sure your head must be spinning with the premise of me connecting Nazi Germany, Jewish persecution, National Security and Immigration Policy all into one article. Well for one thing, I am a Jew and I love Mexican food so I'm treating this whole thing like a really spicy Salsa, so break out your favorite nacho chips and keep reading.

 

In order for Hitler to eradicate the Jews, he had to erase all evidence of their existence, that includes churches, businesses, families and so on. Also the State of Israel wasn't founded until 1948, 3 years after the war had ended; which in comparison to Mexico is like having a studio apartment in the shitty part of town. Mexico is right there, it's big and it's not going anywhere, so there's issue one.

Stability wise, Before Hitler came to power, Germany was in ruins from World War I and without true leadership and received less than sufficient help from the west; which was in the midst of the Great Depression. The United States today, is far more streamlined, has a far more stable government, so if a future leader of the Free World were to blame all our current problems on the undocumented population, he or she would find far more resistance from congress and the media. We also have to compare resistance from the population, including documented and undocumented, 9.5 million Jews living in Europe during the 1930's versus almost 60 million Latinos living in today's United States, that's not a kidney stone, that's a bowling ball. It took the Third Reich about 5 years to “remove” some 6 million Jews, but in the process, also was responsible for more than 1 million Polish civilians, 1 million Yugoslavs, etc. So try to press down on 7-10 million undocumented people and see what happens when you receive backlash from just the 60 million Latinos alone, then watch the Mexican infrastructure collapse as you shove all those people back into their meager economy.

Now as far as the culture goes, it's deeply sewn into our landscape as well as it's exploits and stereotypes. You'd have to blow up every single Chipotle, Taco Bell, Boloco, El Torito, and Margaritas in not just the United States, but the world. I hate to break it to you, but the word “Taco” translated in Spanish is FUCKING TACO!!! It's a yummy, crunchy wedge that we stick delicious food into and it's like a party went off in your mouth! You gonna run around town and smash em all? NO! It's not happening, especially the soft taco shells.

With maybe the exception of legit criminals, your not deporting jack-shit. You really think the rest of America is going to pick up the slack and do the jobs they do? Nooooo, we're too proud, we'd rather sit on our obese asses and collect fucking government checks every month, all the while complaining about Police Brutality or whatever is running across the ticker on the TV that you scored at Rent-A-Center.

Jose Cuervo? How about NO-se Cuervo? Corona...more like CoroNOT!

You gonna ditch all the Tequila and imported beer that millions of Americans abuse on a weekly basis?

Seriously, they do a ton of jobs that most people don't want to do, they work their asses off regardless of the conditions, they hold traditional family values in high regard, and they make fantastic Italian food. So you can limit access all you want to others seeking refugee status in the States, you can build your walls and setup patrols all across the boarder, but whether you like it or not, the Hispanic population is deeply and beautifully embedded into the fabric of America and in time we will improve conditions along the boarder and throughout the population of Central America. Viva El Mexico.

...Cilantro and Ranchero music, one tastes disgusting and the other sounds disgusting...burn that shit tho.