Building a Better Man: The Ascent
The decision to compete is easy. Then what? What food do I eat? What vitamins do I take? When do I workout? How do I workout? Suddenly you’re thinking if the decision was a good idea. Unless your great at research, I strongly recommend getting a trainer. Someone who can meet you at least once a week to get you started and has successfully prepared other people for shows. Club trainers are mediocre at best normally, because they’re used to fat slobs rolling in every week to eat free pizza and whine about their kids. This week, I’ve met two trainers, a nutritionist, a spray tan lady, and a posing instructor. The schedule is exhausting, I’m up at 5 every morning and I’m on the treadmill by 5:30…It’s…. I started nodding off there.
I walked into the posing practice to be met by a kid with four percent body fat and middleweight with the intensity of a charging rhino infused with Mark Wahlberg. I’m standing there, feeling suddenly inferior and my trainer comes over to me after some opening comments and goals, he started pinching every part of my body to get an idea of my figure. “I’m very excited to see how you’ll turn out.”, He said. I felt a little more comfortable at this point. We talked about the transformation and how I’ll be a completely different person before standing on stage in front of 1500 people. My main concern, at this point, isn’t the money or my commitment; it’s my body. Can it withstand the beating of putting on 5-10 pounds of muscle in six months while reducing body fat significantly and getting less maybe six hours of sleep a night.
I guess in order to be the better man… you have to beat the old one.
IN A RECENT STUDY...
In recent study done by various colleges, institutes and lobby groups, it has been determined that the following may have a negative affect on your health: cooking oil, cigarettes, drinking too much, drinking not enough, egg whites, egg yolks, red meat, white meat, sugar, non-organics, flat shoes, calories, action movies, religion, bright lights, no lights, peanuts, pet dander, pets sleeping on the bed, bullies, bullets, Tom Cruise, cruise ships, caffeine, being straight, being gay, fellatio, television, hand sanitizer, Kings of Leon, Ace of Base, Bologna, saturated fats, cell phones, home phones, phoning home, E.T., monogamy, tanning booths, selfies, stress, diet soda, cheese, non-ergonomic keyboards, fast food, slow food, online dating and the Jews.
All this sensationalism has really killed my boner. Look at a newspaper or check out a news website. They’re no longer a source for information and current events, but a lobbyist driven marketplace that has less credibility than a politician who uses taxpayer’s money to fly his mistress around. If the crisis in Ukraine doesn’t interest you, than check out this video of Justin Bieber using racial slurs! If I don’t sound very trusting of humanity it may be because after almost a year of attempts to keep my articles sarcastic and light hearted, I may have simply run out of patience with the world and it’s over complicated liabilities. I’ve always been a fan of simplifying a process with the intentions of bettering the planet and the population that inhabits it. So maybe we can think of a few ideas that will get the ball rolling.
Nutrition labels on the back of products have become insanely elongated. I propose two categories. Say a bag of chips only contains potatoes and salt, that’s category one. If a bag of chips contains additional flavorings and preservatives, then instead of a long ass list of stuff you can’t pronounce, simply put “potatoes, salt, S$*t that may eventually kill you. That’s easy enough, right? What about television? We all obsess about what is safe for kids as they grow up to become immature adults on welfare. How about a simple rating system before and after every show they watch. So it’s either “safe for all ages” or “may cause your child to shoot up a school”. POOF! Now I have made it perfectly safe for your little angel to attend a public school.
We all chase the American dream, but many folks don’t have the credit or money to take that next step from a studio apartment in the valley, to a four-bedroom cape by the ocean. How about instead of a number system that determines what your interest rate may, let’s go for something more concrete. The bank will look you up and it’ll either say, “you can totally afford this” or “stop folding clothes at Abercrombie and get a real job.” A little shame never hurt.
Maybe if we had fewer rules, we’d have more fun. If we had less legal costs, we could afford to have better products and services, maybe if we put in more effort as a society, we’d have a healthier, properly educated population.
We clearly have lost our way as a society, as functioning individuals. We overcomplicated everything to where nothing is fun, safe or wholesome.
I think we’re in trouble…the question is can we learn from our mistakes in time?
Cinematic Bantering
LIGHTS…CAMERA…SEQUEL!
Let’s, for a moment, take money out of the equation. Why are we making all these sequels, reboots, re-imaginings, prequels, and spin-offs? Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of original scripts and novel based movies still making their way into theaters and homes. Interstellar, Jupiter Ascending, Edge of Tomorrow, and Snowpiercer are just a few sci-fi originals I can name off the top of my easily forgetful brain. So what about Godzilla, Transformers, Superman? I mean seriously, Taken Three? You would think the bad people had learned the first time. If someone tells me they have a “particular set of skills”, I’m either begging them for forgiveness…or I’m spending the night. I hope you appreciate that last joke, it took me about twelve seconds to come up with and my time is valuable, people!
I’ve already voiced my opinion about the Superman/Batman movie. I have to draw the line somewhere. However, I was in theaters for ‘Man of Steel’. I was also present for ‘Godzilla’. As I said earlier, take money out of the equation. When it comes to most reboots and such, I generally tend to be an optimist, because maybe the originals were flat out terrible. The original Godzilla(s) were classics…and bad. The original Captain America films from the 1970’s and the remake from 1991 aren’t even on most people’s radar. If a reboot or a sequel is around the corner, I go in hopes that finally, it was done right. I want to leave the theater worn out, but pumped up, laughing, happy with the thought of money well spent. I left the theater last night and droves of people flooded out of ‘Fault in our Stars’ literally crying. It was a sea of dripping mascara and emasculated boyfriends. Why the f&#k would you spend twelve dollars to make you and your friends cry? If I want to cry, I’ll open my high school yearbook. I should burn that thing. I totally get why the ass-wagon didn’t show up for me until college.
Movies like ‘Transformers’ and ‘Avatar’ couldn’t have existed twenty years ago. The technology, production budgets, and foreign market weren’t available then. Even the cost of independent movies have gone up considerably, thankfully many of the high-priced actors are co-producing many of the indie-flicks you’ve seen today. Also film festivals are growing all over the world and movie industry has also begun to invade Comic-Con and of massive yearly conventions.
Circling back to what got this rant started, I’m totally cool and usually excited for reboots and sequels, plus as a viewer I appreciate the fact that production companies are spending 150 to 200 million dollars to make a high-caliber thrill ride of a movie, and not just throwing cash at A-list celebrities. It’s money well spent in my opinion, because it’s one thing spend you money wisely on a movie to keep the costs down, it’s another thing to be totally cheap and ultimately cheat a movie out of it’s true potential. Can you imagine how a low-budget Transformers movie would look?
One more thought I’d like to throw out there. Johnny Depp…take a break.
Hollywood can’t afford you right now. Your movies cost way too much right now and as you’re taking most of it, it’s killing your cinematic value. You’re bombing at and box office, with the critics and with the fans. It’s not your fault though. You just have to disappear for a little while. Say no to another pirate movie, lower your casting fee and ditch the scarves. It’s not that cold out right now so feel free to cut your hair and throw on a t-shirt.
We love you, Johnny Depp. We just hate Captain Jack Sparrow.
Can’t wait for Taken 3 though. Love me some Liam Neeson.
NPC Jay Cutler Classic 2014
Put that donut down. Donuts are for closers. What were you thinking? Did you honestly think that deep fried dough covered in glaze, sprinkles and broken dreams was in any way beneficial to your health? You haven’t earned that sugary treat yet! Oh and if your partner says your perfect just the way you are, it’s because they are too damn lazy to make any improvements to themselves.
SHAME! IT WORKS! Don’t let anyone ever tell you different. Now we awkwardly segue to how pleasantly surprised I was after showing up to a packed house at the John Hancock Theater in Boston. However, I will openly admit that after five hours of prejudging the contestants I was tired of staring at ass, abs and chests…and the ladies hadn’t even hit the stage yet.
It was 6pm and I was exhausted from watching competitors being exhausted. So I went home, only to pick up my photographer and return two hours later for the finals and snap over 250 photos of people flexing their muscles almost through the pores of their ultra tanned skin. Imagine 1500 spectators, 500 competitors, and one amateur writer sitting in Row C in front of a recently defeated competitor whose displeasure with the judges branded itself onto this persons face for the remainder of the evening. Normally the crowd accepts the verdict and applauds the winners, but not this time. A heckler was born that evening…directly behind me. I had a good laugh over his displeasure, the judges not so much. So what’s the big deal? Was it politics? Were the judges inexperienced? Consider spending half your life fine tuning every part or your physique like your own custom-made ride on the Nürburgring race track only to be passed by some young prick in a Porsche. Can you even pronounce ‘Nürburgring’? Can I? Who cares? The fact is that someone lost that evening and maybe shouldn’t have. Thankfully, this isn’t American Idol. Most of these premier physical specimens belonged on that stage and just the thought of their training and diet regimens are tiring me out.
Despite the competitor turnout being more than double from last years event, a crowded stage couldn’t hide the noticeable few that not only were “loose” with their training regiment, but were flat out disgusting when the bright lights made their cellulite all the more visible. Maybe if I was twelve Heinekens deep in a dimly lit bar at three AM, but not when I’m caffeine sober with front row seats to your inevitable embarrassment. My primitive side was quietly hoping for a public stoning. Do I sound shallow and abrasive? Well…kiss my ass. You don’t like the truth; write your own goddamn article. Just because you participated doesn’t earn you a trophy. I deserve a trophy just for looking at you.
Allow me to address the men’s physique class for a moment. What’s with the capri-like swim trunks? Every other class has to rock a slingshot that barely covers the crack of their ass, so why not the men’s “bikini” class? It’s only fair in my opinion that if the males in the bodybuilding class are judged by their overall proportions, than so should the physique class. It’s a small issue, so I’ll eventually get over it.
Something that does give me a sliver of hope for the human race is how many competitors there were this time. Despite a few fatties with chocolate on their faces, the women’s bikini class was overwhelmed with worthy contestants and the master’s class (35 & over) put on a great showing as I muttered “Jesus Christ” in awe well over twenty times during the event.
One final thing to appreciate about this event, everyone has the opportunity to display their greatness. Whether you’re sixty years old or Octo-mom, if you listen to your trainer and do exactly what they tell you, the chance to shine on stage and establish a better lifestyle financially costs a lot less than over-processed foods and type-two diabetes. Start Stretching.
TROLLING FOR DOLLARS
If I had known obesity would be so common in 2014, I would have filed for patent if I had also known the patent system was so archaic and broken. Imagine heading to McDonalds with your bowling ball for a child and I hand you an envelope at the drive thru claiming that you infringed on my idea. “Hand over your fast food money, ass-munch, because I reserve the right to your son’s cellulite!”
Ok, so here’s the situation, a company based out of Texas (Not Texas Instruments) tried and failed to design a MP3 type player back in the mid 1990’s, opting instead to distribute their content via cassette. So they never successfully created the product or the software to operate it. So instead of getting a patent for a machine that doesn’t work, they were able to get one several years later that reads “A system for disseminating media content representing episodes in a serialized sequence” -http://fundanything.com/patenttroll.
for the purpose of claiming rights to podcasting…say what? Does that include music, news, entertainment and audio books that I download onto my iPod? Does this mean I have to listen to Abbey Road in shuffle mode or backwards? Is Metallica going to yell at me again? (I do love the new album though, Lars.) But how stupid and confusing does this whole thing sound? What If I go to the gym and start doing bicep curls? Does someone own the patent to that workout? I guess I’ll do bench press…nope, can’t do that either. Well now I’m depressed, at least Burger King is open.
I understand that patents were originally designed to protect the inventor, but the whole system, although very outdated when it comes to technology, was designed to have balance. For a brief period, the inventor has protection so that other people can’t make money off the invention, but in exchange, the inventor has to explain how their design works and after the patent expires, the idea returns to the general public, therefore restoring the balance and further encouraging future inventors and entrepreneurs.
Now the idea of a patent troll is that they generally offer no goods or services to the general public, they may call themselves a holding company, but usually they don’t hold any real estate, additional companies, stocks or other additional assets to be sold at a later date, their patent cleverly worded with the sole purpose of extorting other business of their hard earned money. All this passed by a judge who clearly doesn’t understand the technology field and its impact on the general public’s ability to earn a dollar. The patent is too broad and never should have been approved. For example, Coca-Cola can patent their own shade of red to protect the design of their label, but they can’t own red completely. Crayola would flip its s#&t!
Now what you normally hear in the sensationalist news of today is when Apple and Samsung sue one another for design infringements, but you never hear a thing when they settle out of court with a patent troll for an undisclosed amount of money. They feel it’s too much of a distraction so they just shell out theoretically six or seven figures to make these trolls go away.
Let’s get back to the idea of whole idea of podcasting. It’s major upside is that people don’t have to deal with the man, the terrestrial radio, the network TV, the left wing or right wing political agendas. The original “man” was the overtaxing by the British government on American colonies, then it became big business, now its non-practicing entities which are described as “a person or a company who owns or buys patents for the sole purpose of suing companies or in this case an individual they claim to be infringing on their patents. They do not undertake any usage of those patents themselves, rather their sole source of income comes from settlements they receive from threatening lawsuits and/or judgments they receive from actual lawsuits”.
Podcasting is one of the last few free avenues of entertainment and honest news. TV isn’t free, u pay over a hundred dollars per month just to afford Comedy Central and CNN, the other channels are filled with Kim Kardashian’s fat ass. And the cost of fighting patent trolls or non-practicing entities, the same as if you settled out of court, hundreds of thousands of dollars. In the case of Adam Carolla Vs Personal Audio…$1.5 million. How is this fair? What if these trolls win? After they extort profit-making podcasts with undisclosed settlements, they’ll most certainly turn their attention towards anyone with an RSS feed and an opinion. By allowing these extortionists to roam free legally, you are RAPING honest Americans of their entrepreneurial spirit!
And its not like podcasters are outlaws or criminals, they have sponsors, like Amazon, or Legal Zoom, Dollar Shave Club, ProFlowers, Stamps.com and so on. So even though the service to their listeners is free, they are still great for business because the listeners trust the products that are endorsed and end up using some of them. This isn’t “tent city” in LA, where we just set up a makeshift community and pay zero taxes. They’re not homeless people, podcasters work for a living and have hopes and dreams. But if they are paying out to a bunch of fat cat scumbag lawyers, then pack up the microphones and give them to the patent trolls, because they certainly earned them with their cassette player that doesn’t work.
Patent Trolls are less than a bug, they’re parasites. And my official comment to these parasites. Go f&$k yourselves. You will not win. Positive Sarcasm, OUT!
Adam Carolla. "Save Our Podcasts Legal Defense Fund." http://fundanything.com/patenttroll. Adam Carolla, 25 Mar 2014. Web. 25 May 2014. <http://fundanything.com/patenttroll>.
Kirby Ferguson. "Rise of The Patent Troll: Everything is a Remix"
Huge Thank you to Adam Carolla, Kirby Ferguson and many others.
THIS IS COMEDY
What happened to everyone’s sense of humor? When did we decide as a country that it was best to sit in front of the television with a plate of ‘artisan’ macaroni & cheese and watch light-hearted comedies starring Zippy McFluffnuts?
Maybe I’m overreacting, but it seems to me that we forgot how to make fun of ourselves. We constantly attack comedians when we don’t understand their jokes and then we take them out of context when we try to explain them to other people; causing more misplaced outrage and ultimately the news sites run with the drama in order to get more clicks.
For the large majority of successful comedians, perfecting just one joke can be a very long process. It requires hours of writing, research, open mic nights and constant club work at all hours of the night for very low pay in order to put together a solid hour just so they can be booked for larger gigs and make a living off their craft. For example, Doug Stanhope will go to libraries to do research so when he delivers a bit on-stage, all his information is on point, therefore allowing Stanhope to deliver his lines with piercing accuracy, regardless of how much alcohol he may consume before the show.
Jay Mohr openly admits that some of his best material is inspired by his lovely wife, actress Nikki Cox. Known for his impersonations of Christopher Walken and Harvey Keitel, Jay has reintroduced himself into comedy spotlight and besides a few bumps & bruises, is quickly regaining momentum with his diverse brand ranging from his days on SNL, to his very popular podcast, and his radio show on the Fox Sports channel. In order to receive a warm welcome at venues across the country, he spends a lot of his time churning out new material at the Brea Improv and other local LA nightclubs.
Nick DiPaolo has spent countless hours in small thirty seat rooms tweaking every joke to explicit perfection. His material is galactic in size and will either leave you laughing or bleeding…sometimes both. He’s strong in his opinions and angrily unapologetic in his delivery. DiPaolo, albeit a little modest about his comedic ability, can follow any comedian, close any show and crush any crowd with a single punchline.
Bill Burr doesn’t give a s%#t what anyone thinks and don’t even consider heckling him at a show, for his wrath is famous and can shrink a person to near non-existence. He famously went on a Philadelphia stage in 2006 and verbally shelled a drunk and belligerent crowd after they booed off Robert Kelly and Dom Irrera. Years of practice, hard work and a Boston thick skin has propelled Burr to TV/movie rolls and has cemented his status as one of the most sought after comedic talents in recent years.
In many respects comedians understand the world better than anyone of political or popular significance and much of their comedy translates successfully to various venues all over the world. My issue mostly stems from the fact that people are uneducated about the comedians they go see or listen to, and have become so overly sensitive to what is said onstage, that they take it upon themselves to either heckle the comic or retreat to twitter to express their “outrage” over a joke. The idea of a joke is that somewhere down the line, someone is getting harpooned. So in essence, every joke is offensive and if that’s the case, the golden age of comedy from George Carlin and Bill Hicks to Louis C.K. and Adam Carolla may be on the endangered species list. There are two things we look to after horrific events in our lives, sports and comedy. Comedy allows us to take a hard look at ourselves in a more amusing light and to understand that even the most horrific events in our personal timeline can be lifted to a more humorous climate if approached properly. This is how we move forward in life. This is how we look back and laugh at our mistakes. This…is comedy.
GET TO THE CHOPPA
I love testosterone. Love it. Naturally there are weeks where it’s so low that I find myself sniffing flowers and crying to Mumford & Sons, I’m so low on man-juice. Then there are the weeks where I chew on metal railings and punt babies over stop signs. It fills me with that primal awesomeness and I never want to lose that feeling where you hit the pull-up bar and as you look down, there is an imaginary city below your feet where it’s population bows at your greatness. Most men can relate to that Friday where you leave work and blast techno-metal in your 2-door Honda while puffing that cigar to celebrate your horny entrance into the weekend’s grasp. As you hit 85 mph on the highway and your front tires start to shake, you began glaring at female commuters like you’re taking notes on how to conquer their world later that evening with your Armani Cologne and stripey button down shirt you picked up on sale earlier in the week.
As the sun begins to go down, your body temperature only goes up as you go over the blurred battle plans in your head. You look in the mirror one last time before leaving your freshly Lysoled apartment. You’re hot s%&t. You know it. You’re so on fire you’re ready to do shots of lava and screw tailpipes.
Any of this making sense yet? This is what testosterone does to men’s minds. It’s cheesy action movie one-liners and wingtip shoes that are so long, they tickle prostates if provoked. It’s a bio-chemical overload of borderline violent beauty and it needs to be protected from the political correctness that is steadily breathing down our necks. Yet many of today’s males simply trade in their masculinity for a coupon to Abercrombie & Fitch. Feel free to jack those hip huggers a little higher, there’s not a pair of balls to squish anymore. A lot of today’s hipsters and metro-sexuals fail to realize that a true man or gentlemen knows how to talk, how to dress, and how to be polite. He also knows how to steal your girlfriend or wife right from underneath your plastic boat shoes and post the debauchery on Instagram later that night for you to cry over. Testosterone can cause a man to do the most idiotic things in the public eye, but this same culprit can also force the brain to think faster with more calculations, so whether it’s winning a war or winning over a bachelorette party, that little hormone is the Spartan Warrior of your Friday evenings.
One of the most sickening sights I’ve ever seen is witnessing a man being dragged along through a department store by a woman like a small dog on the boardwalk and he never looks forward, always down or behind him as if either looking for the set of balls he dropped or if he can pick up a new pair along the way. Another crucial fact is if indeed you have met the love or loves of your life, your testosterone will naturally decrease a little bit, but rest assure if you stop producing all together, don’t expect her to stick around and cater to your nutless needs. Women may like boys, but they love men.
This last parts for the ladies. Do you want to know what it feels like when men have an overload of testosterone? Here’s your assignment. Grab these two movies “Predator” and “Rambo: First Blood Part Two”. Watch only the last thirty minutes of each film. Start with “Predator” where Schwarzenegger lights the torch and paints his face with mud, then pop in “Rambo” and start watching where Stallone steals the helicopter and lays down a trail of bullets, rockets, and sweat. If at any point during these sequences do you hysterically laugh in enjoyment of these Oscar worthy scenes, then you have indeed solved the riddle. If at the end you’re still completely confused at the purpose of these scenes, well…I have little use for you.
MONSTER MOVIES
Is it horror? Is it sci-fi? When it comes to those giant beasts that salsa dance with skyscrapers and squash cars like bubble wrap, they deserve a genre unto themselves. Granted history hasn’t been most kind to the genre filled with cheesy special effects, lousy acting, and a campy plot, but in the last ten years the rebranding of the most notable mega monsters along with the addition of some newcomers has reenergized the demand for these potential blockbusters. As we are still recovering from the sub-par monster movies of the 90’s, Let’s pay tribute to the recent box office winners that very well may have saved the genre from a slow death.
King Kong (2005)
With the exception of being the most adorable and most cuddle worthy, Kong had no problem squashing humans, swatting airplanes and punching T-Rex’s. For the last 80 years, the story hasn’t changed and is one the most tragic romances ever conceived. From the very first moment the audience member laid eyes on King Kong, there was certainly fear, but no hatred to be found as even Kong feared for his own life and had something more to lose, that for the love for one Ann Darrow.
This cuddly ape has made four solo trips to the theaters, with box office success on almost every attempt. If the death of King Kong taught society one thing, it was remorse for an entity that we didn’t understand and therefore feared and tried to destroy. That about sums everything in today’s world.
Cloverfield (2008)
From the moment it left Lady Liberty in ruins all over New York Harbor, there was absolutely no love for this ugly prick. Apparently taking a crashed satellite to the head just off Coney Island, this beast awakens like Rambo on Angel Dust and instead of simply running red lights on a course for freedom, it tears through heart of Downtown Manhattan leaving the military little choice but to level all two and a half square miles of Central Park, allegedly killing the main characters off in the process. Since the movie’s inception, the monster and it’s origins have been shrouded in secrecy, to which much of its success can be attributed. Even after the conclusion of the movie, it was still purposely unclear where the beast came from and if it was in fact, destroyed. Many audience members had trouble getting past the whole shaky handheld camera display, but those who endured were rewarded at the end of the movie with a close-up shot of the monster…right before some poor bastard was bitten in half.
Super 8 (2011)
So what happens when you imprison a telepathic, spider-like alien the size of a four-bedroom house and conduct exhaust experiments on it? The result is no different than a dog that’s been kicked too many times by it’s owner. However, unlike the Cloverfield monster that this alien was rumored to be linked with, this little guy has and ultimately shows a soft spot for the main characters that discover it’s lair and when confronted by the alien, an E.T. moment ensues and you begin to root for the alien to just be able to hitch a ride back home, wherever the hell that may be. There are a few antagonists that get in the beings way and they are dealt with…swiftly.
Pacific Rim (2013)
This was no horror movie by any means; this movie was aimed at action junkies who salivate whenever Transformers is are mentioned. This gang of city wrecking, psycho beasts from another dimension have their hands full when they encounter our walking PlayStations with missiles and fists powered by human pilots. The amount of CGI in this flick is enough to shut your eyes off for a week. With just over 400 Million in box office gross, a sequel may very well be in the works.
Godzilla (2014)
No other monster in history has been used and abused more than this lizard on steroids. It lost to King Kong in 1962 and it also lost to audiences in 1998 after mixed reviews shelved this beast from American theaters for over sixteen years. Well Godzilla is finally back and father time has not been good to him, as he seems to have developed a gut and maybe a drinking problem. So I’m assuming that when he wakes up this time, his pissy-ness will hopefully have reached a whole new level to where even the Kraken doesn’t want a piece of the fat old man.
ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDERLY CONDUCT
I’ll try to keep this short…keep what short…where’s that bird going?
Do you suffer from PTSD? You have my sympathy. Are you an alcoholic? Please seek treatment and you have my full support. Do you have Attention Deficit Disorder? Now you’re just a whiny bitch. I’m sorry, are you one of the millions of Americans that suffers from a made up disorder? Not to worry, cause I have the cure! Find the nearest building over five floors, head for the rooftop, stand next to the edge…and hope for a soft landing.
Did you make it? No? That’s too bad. I know your doctor was really looking forward to the annual visit so he can prescribe more Ritalin for your stupid ass. Originally a frying pan to the back of the head was treatment enough, like fixing the original Nintendo, you just smack it a couple times and poof…Tetris was up and running. Oh but no, you have a disorder because that Lego set you took two days to put together was completed by the next door neighbor’s kid, Albert Geekenstein in only forty minutes. Is science class so boring lately that you find yourself drifting off into dreamland? You might have a disease, or maybe your underpaid and mal-nutritioned teacher has stopped caring because her phone bill is past due and the inbox to her online dating profile is collecting digital dust instead of phone numbers. Has your job performance suffered according to the annual assessment completed by your boss? You might need a little magic pill to help you focus so you can bang out those reports faster…or maybe it’s because you’ve whored yourself out to the same underpaid and under appreciated job for the last 6 solar eclipses and instead of paying you, they pay their shareholders.
YOU’RE NOT SICK, YOUR F^&#ING STUPID! You’re either stupid by not being able to figure out alternative ways to educate yourself or you’re completely gullible and you believe whatever the doctor, news and internet tells you. I myself may not be an honor student, but I won’t sit here and concede to having a skull softer than a newborn’s just so I can run to the doctor and have them prescribe me a time released capsule full of lies.
So what if you’re a D student, so what if your job sucks, so what if your spouse is boring, so what if instead of sitting quietly on the park bench, you’re off in the parking lot chasing seagulls with a stick. That’s life! If you’re not a fan of it, there’s plenty of life solving pills for you to chew on located at your local gun store. You don’t need a prescription for that, but you will have to wait eight days per the law.
I’ll bet money that some of history’s greatest philosophers would be diagnosed with ADD in today’s society. Imagine Socrates on Adderall? What about Plato waking up every morning and popping Concerta? They didn’t do it and neither should you.
These dudes wanted you to be enlightened, not medicated. Taking a synthetic pill to enhance your concentration on a daily basis is as healthy as a homosexual going to a church group to “pray away the gay”. Be honest with yourself, because there’s nothing wrong with you, unless you eat fast food everyday, attend clan meetings or listen to Nickelback.
Take a week’s paid vacation, chuck that pill bottle into the trash compactor and let your brain start the healing process. It’s a beautiful world and sometimes being distracted for a few minutes or even a few hours is more than worth the time just to look at it. Being distracted is how I met the love of my life (***who I later discovered had cheated on me) and if that crap cocktail was running through my veins, my brain may not have taken the time to admire the view and for that…I’m glad I failed Geometry.
Take the pills and shove them up your ass.
(*** Article edited on 11/14/2014)
BILLION DOLLAR BANDU
War, famine, genocide, disease, poverty, climate change, how do we solve all the worlds problems? How about a Mega Scraper costing approximately 1.2 billion dollars built near the Red Sea in Saudi Arabia and over a half-mile high? Hell yes, who’s up for base-jumping?!
I’m so excited, I’m ready to break out the Legos and have a party in my living room. Every technologically or architecturally savvy society since the beginning of time has attempted to prove their superiority through either massive armies or massive buildings and since The United States and most other first world countries have both, the Saudi’s are once again tossing their “hats” into the ring on at least one of those options. If you have never heard of the Burj Khalifa or have yet to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, the Burj Khalifa located in Dubai is currently the world’s tallest building coming in at a neck-straining 2,716 feet tall with about 162 floors. So if you fell off the top of the building, you would have time to write a poem, smoke a cigarette, and then use the cigarette to light your poem on fire, and then smoke it, before inevitably chest bumping the concrete.
Now in what can be likened to a pissing contest between Ron Jeremy and Tommy Lee, another set of investors are about to break ground in the city of Jeddah overlooking the Red Sea. Still in the planning stages, the Kingdom Tower is proposed to be around 3,200 feet tall with an estimated fifty more floors than the Burj Khalifa, making the recently completed Freedom Tower in lower Manhattan seem like the pudd of four year old fleeing the cold pool water for his beach towel.
As usual, the plans for another giant scraper have not been without plenty of criticism and doubt, financially and architecturally as it seems easier for people to take a negative approach rather than be excited for those who continuously push the boundaries of what can be achieved in defiance of gravity. Like comedy, I enjoy taking calculated risks, and if I had around a billion dollars floating around, whether it came from crude oil or olive oil, I wouldn’t be opposed to designing a building, ship, or car so big that it lands a cameo in a major motion picture. I’m a dreamer and therefore I support this project for its plausible success as a testament to human ingenuity, rather than hope for its failure.
I remember being a little guy lying down in a grassy area where I could just barely see the top of the late World Trade Center. Now as far as building architecture, Towers A & B were the ugliest pieces of crap to ever grace a skyline, but it was like having twin sisters that grew from the ugly tree. They may not have landed all the boys in school, at least not the cute ones, but they were our sisters and we loved them anyway. They always stood together as if they looked after each other. So the threat of some ass-clown planning chaos and logging a little time on Microsoft Flight Simulator is still very real and shouldn’t be ignored, however it didn’t prevent New York from building the Freedom Tower (which is basically a giant middle finger to the terrorists) where our twin sisters lie. So if the United Arab Emirates and other financial partners choose to spend their oil money and erect a couple more super towers in the middle of the desert as a sign of strength, they certainly don’t need my approval, but they have it any way. I applaud the achievements that are the Freedom Tower, the Burj Khalifa, the Patronas Towers, Taipei 101, Empire State Building and the soon to be Kingdom Tower. I hope to visit them sometime soon and drop a little first world currency just so I can have a view of Tom Cruise ascending from the outside and if he deems me cool enough, fire me an action-hero like thumbs up.
Hey, it’s my fantasy; I don’t see Salma Hayek out there pressing her cleavage against the glass, so I’ll go with the next best thing.
FOUR COURSE MEAL: PART FIVE
THE PURGE, REVISITED:
I tried not to over-analyze this movie too much, but in the end I couldn’t resist comparing this movie to the real world. What if all crime was legal for twelve hours? Well let’s compare the difference between what is possible in the movie and what is real life. In the movie you can commit mass arson, multiple robberies, and kill anyone in your path without being arrested. The downside is someone may take you out in process. In other words, move to Los Angeles.
I think if this scenario translated to real life, the majority of Americans would be too lazy to purge as they would rather watch it from the comfort of their Oreo cookie-stained sofa and after twenty minutes of a “Chat Roulette” like network of channels dedicated to covering this event of mass killings and cities ablaze, we’d grab the remote for something far worse, like ‘Keeping Up with The Kardashians.’
OFFICE MEETINGS:
We’ve all experienced the horror of corporate friendly key phrases, unfunny jokes that everyone laughs at, and presentations and updates that have nothing to do with your job. You just want the meeting to end so you can make a break for the bathroom, but every time the phrase “any questions” is muttered, everyone clams up in hopes of a fast end. Then that one Office Space receptionist-looking pain in the ass can’t help but ask the most stupid, yet elaborate question that takes all the air out of the room that was just exhaled from everyone else’s disgusted yawns. This jackass has now prolonged the pointless existence of this meeting for another ten chest-stabbing minutes. Then comes the follow-up questions, side topics, and now they have created more problems than if they had just kept their fat faces shut. DIE.
DATING TIP:
Listen up, men. I’m about to save you a ton of headaches, psycho text messages, and possibly a boiled rabbit dinner. It’s very important that you pay attention to the greeting of the lady that you just met off Match.com or whatever, because chances are…this bitch is crazy. The “tell” is in the inflection of her voice. If she seems a little nervous and her voice is light with a little softness, then you’re in the clear. If her voice has a swooping effect and sounds a little aggressive with wide eyes also being displayed, there’s a chance you may receive a text message a week later with your initials tramp-stamped onto her lower back just above a huge tattoo of Jesus Christ. In that case, pray she doesn’t puncture the tires on your Jetta.
STEPHEN COLBERT:
Apologies can make you look weak in the comedy world. Thankfully for Colbert; standing strong after the whole #cancelcolbert situation landed him one of the most valuable time slots in all of television. I give David Letterman a lot of credit for holding on to his crown as long as he did. Therefore his send-off will be heartfelt and memorable.
When it comes to picking the right man for the job, someone who can enhance the comedy world as well as defend it, Stephen Colbert is the perfect man for the network chair, so between him, Fallon, Kimmel, Conan and Ferguson, late night is in very good hands and I’m sure there will be plenty more controversy to keep me writing in defense of comedy for many years to come. Congrats, Stephen.
AN ENDANGERED GENDER
Men…we might be in big trouble. All the Brad Pitts, George Clooneys and Tom Bradys only make up for a small percentage of the evolved male population and it’s only a matter of time before science and other political forces dwindle us down to a small section in the Smithsonian. I understand very well that women make life worth living. It’s been proven to me many times over, but men make life more fun. We’re impulsive, ignorant, greedy, judgmental, all great traits that ultimately lead to adventures, road trips and big budget Michael Bay movies. However, as a person who understands how a species can evolve to simplify its process in order to survive…that can mean lay-offs.
When a large company uses terms like “streamlining” or “monitoring efficiency” or “reorganizing”, they’re basically saying people are getting s$%t canned. The two main reasons are either the staffing costs are too high because some jerk-off analyst in accounting said so or because your job is obsolete and is now being handled by a more efficient process. There are over seven billion people on this planet. At times we’re overcrowded. Science is learning, technology is evolving. Women are far more educated, and control the job market, despite still fighting the pay-scale and discrimination. What’s a guy to do besides sit on his unemployed ass and play video games all day?
As third world countries begin to evolve, political correctness takes a toll on individuality and religion becomes less a way of life and more of a hobby, the human race will begin to consider streamlining its very own process of continuing life without hurting the environment or succumbing to a massive epidemic. So we’ll have to reduce staff. You can’t limit the amount of children a couple can have like China does, that leads to all kinds of issues. So why don’t we turn the male population into a purchasable item? Makes sense, doesn’t it? We already have sperm banks and dating sites. We can just turn the whole “finding a guy” thing into a department store. We’ll call it “Mr. Right”. With a coupon you can get a free Ipod and a copy of Beyonce’s greatest hits.
After you’re done with Don Juan Disposable, you can simply toss him out with your q-tips and sanitary napkins. Cloning, genetic engineering, automated machines, everything a guy can do besides get jealous, make stupid comments, and dutch-oven his partner will be reduced down to a simple automated process that allows the human race to proceed on a heavy diet of the ladies.
Still don’t think it’s possible? You think that sperm you’re so careless with belongs to you? It doesn’t. You’re a commodity, like bacon and orange juice; you could be bought and sold all day long on the world markets, unless you’re a crappy model in which case you will be discontinued. Gay dudes should take notice as well. Just remember you have as much stake in this as any male looking to save his ass from extinction.
Men right now are like a bad sports team in a small market. Our equipment is garbage, we refuse to practice and nobody wants to see us play. The human male is in need of a makeover on a mass produced level.
We need new uniforms, new coaches, new workout plans, new diet plans, better advertising that doesn’t make us look like idiots always raiding the refrigerator for Beer and Mayonnaise Popsicles. Men have to make themselves more valuable, in the home, workplace and in the bedroom. So a little cooking wouldn’t hurt and try not to set speed records under the sheets, learn a little strategy and maybe try a toy or two if you were cheated at birth by Doctor Snippenstein.
Maybe read a little Esquire, GQ, or Men’s Health magazine to give yourself a shinier edge to your casual male look.
Now look, men are men for a reason, they watch Rambo movies, build cool things, and listen to the comedy of Nick DiPaolo. All this stuff is extremely important, these are the core components of what drives us to act cooler, drive faster, and be funnier. The ladies secretly love that stuff and it’s key for when we finish building the male for the new world, that these pieces are embedded in his hard drive, because a human male can be manufactured…but his personality can not.
RAW: NATURAL BORN ARTISTS
I enjoy my art like a four-year-old enjoys a package of hot dogs, raw.
Events such as this, even though it was my first, get me excited and remind me that there is hope for those poor bastards who have yet to do anything with their college degree in art and are working somewhere for near minimum wage after taxes. There are thousands people out there from Montana to Mars looking to inspire or be inspired and that’s been the mission of RAW artists since 2009. Their goal has been to showcase the most talented independent artists and designers from almost anywhere in the world that has access to a crayon. Not only does the artist have a chance to exhibit their creativity at the shows, but they can also make a little money as well by selling their work at whatever events they are invited to. Only the best artists and designers from that region are invited to display or sell their work, so don’t think you can just piss on a piece of stapled canvas and set up shop at one of these events.
As far as the turnout on a Sunday night was concerned; the multi-floored nightclub was packed with onlookers and potential clients of various natures. For the most part, it still felt very nightclub-ish, with the loud house music, the creepers trolling for ladies and the overpriced coat check area not including tips.
My reason for attending that evening’s festivities was actually the art and I’m not even an artsy type of person. I can barely draw my own name and I compare the Mona Lisa to a random fat girl hunting for any craigslist guy she can get her hooves on. That being said, the length of my attention span isn’t very impressive. I was prepared to treat this situation like going to a wine bar; find something you like and milk it for about an hour, then bolt out the door hoping for a P.F. Chang’s nearby.
Regardless of the length of time I spent there, I was thoroughly impressed with the amount of effort and detail that went into the majority of the work that was on display and for sale. There was a seamstress in the middle of making a new piece while her other work was on display, there was a large abstract section with similarities to the very famous Jackson Pollack, they even had a looping video showing the creation of some of their works. All the while the bartenders were pumping out drinks to keep the mood festive; which I think all art galleries should aspire to. I don’t think I could stare at a Picasso painting sober, then again, neither could Picasso.
They did save one of the edgier photographers for the top floor where some viewer discretion was advised, in other words…titties. Whatever amount of alcohol one consumed before reaching the top floor, this gallery would surely sober you up in a hurry.
I think that’s why I like this sort of stuff I guess. It’s a lot like comedy, uncensored, unapologetic, opinionated, overdramatic, and most importantly, like comedy, it’s honest.
I left the club that evening a little happier and somewhat fulfilled with all of the work that went into preparing that evening, I even purchased a nice little piece for myself that I have recently framed and placed on my wall. I know, I’m such a douche-bag, but the fact is I put a little more money into some artists pocket so that they may continue the dream they put so much hard work into. I look forward to attending another such evening and everyone should check their area for a similar event. It beats staying home and watching reruns of ‘The Walking Dead’.
SEEN ANY MOVIES LATELY?
Another Saturday evening spent sitting with a glass of tequila staring at a ten-inch netbook, when I have a perfectly fine 22-inch HD computer screen in the other room, yet I’m compelled to sit here at the corner of my pillow drowned sofa and hopefully have thoughts drafted before passing out in the same position in which I’ve grown accustomed to writing every article since the very beginning. Thankfully movie season is here and I have a few thoughts and opinions about what I’ve seen from the comfort of my own home and from the sticky floors of the theater. Chances are if it’s a big movie and it is opening weekend, you’ll find me there. So let’s see what’s good, what’s not, and what is coming up to either see or avoid.
300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE
I get it. It wasn’t the first one. Know why? The first one was made in 2006. King Leonidas is dead. The 300 were massacred. So guess what? You can’t make a sequel about them. “Hey, we have a bunch of Athenians still left. Granted they’re not as skilled or jacked like the Spartans, but it might be enough for another movie.”
Works for me! The first movie was a dude-flick a lot like ‘Predator’ where there was very little female presence and mostly abs, arms and war cries. However, in order to attract a large enough audience, the ladies needed to be involved. So once again, Zack Snyder manipulated history in favor of a better movie plot and recruited a Bond girl. Arguably one of the best Bond girls ever, Eva Green takes over the screen from the moment she shows up and makes every other character including Xerxes look like a bunch of punks. The movie itself moves along quite nicely and the display of color is a little different from the first movie. ‘300’ had a little more of a gold and red feel throughout the whole movie, where ‘Rise of an Empire’ was a little more black and blue. Honestly though, I could of used five more minutes at the end to give the Spartans and Queen Gorgo a little more respect as they had just lost their King and were awfully pissed off, but despite that, you can tell that a lot of effort went into the production of this prequel/sequel and it shows through its imagery and attention to detail (…although not for it’s historical accuracy), but who gives a s#%t, IT’S A MOVIE! I highly recommend seeing ‘300’ and then watching ‘Rise of an Empire’, but plan on having some really rough sex after, whether it be with a companion or by yourself.
OBLIVION
If you have a problem with Tom Cruise, then you have a problem with yourself. The guy’s a great actor and leaves it all on the screen. I wasn’t able to catch this in theaters last year, but had the pleasure of viewing this on my Cinema friendly Plasma screen. I’ve noticed that the majority of my movies lately have contained some crazy plot twists and this one is pretty interesting. The movie takes on a large scale quickly as Cruise’s character talks about the alien wars, a broken moon, and our decimated planet. There are questions that are going to be left to the viewer’s speculation, but this flick is a little more involved with the emotion of the main characters than with the overall back story of the war. A hint before you watch this, if you miss any part of this for some reason, whether it’s a pee break or you nod off, you’re screwed. There a lot of information and emotion to absorb before the credits roll that you can’t treat this like an episode of ‘Family Guy’.
For such a large production budget, the cast is surprisingly small, so most of the cash went into CGI and Tom Cruise’s paycheck. I also notice that when Cruise does sci-fi, the plot takes a while to get going, so the viewer might get a little agitated when things don’t blow up almost immediately like if you strapped a Go-Pro to Optimus Prime’s head. However as far as sci-fi adventure goes, this movie wasn’t thrown together in quickly; it’s full of great visuals, solid acting, and a large emphasis on the importance of humanity and its simple pleasures.
COMING SOON!
You’ll almost certainly find me watching Captain America, Godzilla and Transformers, because I’m a fan of blockbusters and leaving the theater near exhaustion. I love opening weekend, big lines, smuggling in candy and getting there early so I can make fun of the people who showed up as the previews start and can’t find a decent seat. These are my favorite simple pleasures and since good Yankee tickets cost near a grand, I’ll certainly be at the theater more often.
FOUR COURSE MEAL: PART FOUR
Seriously, how many parts are there going to be? Well to be honest, as many as possible. Sometimes a topic only needs a small mention as opposed to a full-page dissertation. The American attention span is getting smaller by the hour to the point where sex, drugs and twitter will seem like watching Braveheart. Not that I’m knocking Braveheart… as a matter of fact, after I’m done writing, I think I’ll watch it. I mean the battles were awesome, the French Princess chick was smoking, and the crazy Irish dude…anyways on to the topics.
The Purge:
Finally, after months of hesitation and reading bad reviews, I gave in and watched a movie that has without a doubt, the most horrifying premise ever put to film and that includes surgically attaching people together to make them resemble a Centipede. Imagine a United States where for one night a year, all crime was legal. Think about it, from 7pm to 7am, absolute bedlam, no police, no hospitals, no fire rescue. You and your family are on their own, even your neighbors can’t be trusted. The movie focuses mainly on one family, so you never get that full sense of the appalling chaos that is going on just outside their high class neighborhood. As most horror movies go, the dialogue is rather weak and the characters are very generic, but as far as the tension is concerned, I was for the most part, locked in and a little sweaty. Maybe from reading all those bad reviews, I came away from the movie feeling somewhat satisfied, maybe because I didn’t spend money to go see it. Despite all it’s flaws, including a name that sounds more like a weight-loss program, I feel this series could turn into something very interesting and maybe an ongoing story that draws to a huge conclusion and will hopefully turn some heads in the world of cinema…or not.
Lunch in the Workplace:
Have you ever watched people struggle after lunch at work? Try it sometime, pick out a few people and study their behavior before they stuff that microwave burrito down their gullet and after as they become hauntingly quiet and rub their stomachs as to wonder why for the eighty-third day in a row that they ate that over-processed pile of s%#t. You may even catch someone sleeping at their desk. Go ahead and quietly observe this phenomenon, unless you’re one of those people, in which case I look forward to watching you and laughing. Here’s a tip, if your workplace one day offers free lunch, turn it down. You know those pizzas they ordered are going to be nothing but a gastric nightmare even though you’ve caved several times in the past just so you wouldn’t have to make your own lunch the night before. Just say no. The ass-cramps just aren’t worth it and your certainly capable of making a sound decision that will leave you and your surrounding coworkers in a more pleasant state.
Traffic Laws:
I feel like a Coldplay song should start playing whenever you see something completely asinine in traffic. It’s a true sign that our world and its rules are falling apart. What drives me bananas is while the police are feverishly hunting down modest speeders, they’re not looking for jerk-offs who don’t use their turn signal as if the function wasn’t available on their car or those fools blocking busy intersections. These are the true offenders of the road. All you’re doing is slowing traffic for other intersections and creating huge butterfly effect even Ashton Kutcher couldn’t figure out. The cops should focus more on crushing these types of traffic felons and less on someone doing eighty in a sixty-five. However, if they drive a Subaru, double the fine.
Raw Artists (www.rawartists.org)
Just a quick piece on an event that’s taking place next weekend, A great way to support independent artists, designers and musicians in a city near you is to visit rawartists.org and look for what’s coming up near you. My first experience will be down in Boston at Club Rumour Sunday, March 23rd. I’m hoping to see some really far out and incredibly detailed pieces from people all over the area. Maybe I’ll even snap a few photos, but then again, I’d rather enjoy the event then be holding a stupid a camera the whole time. So I encourage people to get their own tickets and check it out for themselves. If it’s good, I’ll be the first one to say it, but if it’s pompous and a waste of time and money, I’ll tell you straight up to save your money and use it on something more important, like rent or child support.
FOUR COURSE MEAL: PART THREE
Financing your junk food:
I’d be lying if I said I’ve never brought outside food into a movie theater. I also know it’s my own damn fault if I was caught. However judging from rising ticket prices and the stupid amount theaters charge for most concessions, this is a tradition I’m happy to continue honoring. For the amount of movies I see in a year and the prices I pay for IMAX, I’m sure they can afford me rolling in with a bag of Twizzlers. Sadly, there’s no way around popcorn and soda. Soda can risky, but popcorn is just implausible. That’s where they tighten the noose on the consumer. When you as the minimum wage counter person though are going to stand there and charge me six dollars for a bag of popcorn that I’m going to spill forty-five minutes into the movie, are you really surprised when people give a look that could kill cancer? And as far as fructose, when you charge five dollars for a fountain soda when down the street at the convenience store a thirty-two ounce cost seventy-nine cents, don’t be surprised when most theater-goers start showing up in cargo pants. Starbucks thinks your prices are inflated.
Spousal Flatulence:
Why is this tolerated? How goddamn lazy is someone that they can’t simply retreat to a bathroom to let off a little steam, they have to announce their presence by blowing up living rooms across America and send helpless women and children into seclusion in other parts of the home. Burping is one thing, but crop-dusting loved ones on purpose should be punishable by death. Ladies you’re not off the hook either, the first time can be funny, cute and loveable, the second time is when I look for my relationship receipt and consider a refund. It’s not my fault you ordered the garlic butter French fries, either stick your ass out the car on the ride home or get used to riding in the trunk. I didn’t buy this car freshener only to hear you burn a hole in my passenger seat. Knock it off.
Breast Augmentation:
I appreciate breasts for what they are and when a woman decides that their breasts are in need of some type of improvement, then you won’t hear a peep out of me. I look at this way; you’re sitting in the delivery room and Doctor Steinberg comes to you congratulating you the man on a beautiful new set of twins. Coochy coooo! Can you say Dada? Now when a man sees real breast, it can be intense, dramatic, serious to the point where they can’t really be enjoyed. Now fake breasts, it’s all a party! They bounce and lean differently and make you smile like when a child sees their first ice cream. It’s joyful and lighthearted. Fake breasts remind us all that life’s meant to be enjoyed. Women get them for so many reasons, so men should enjoy them for just as many.
Patent Trolls Update:
Recently, Podcasters have taken up arms against Personal Audio, a company out of Texas that holds certain patents that they claim entertainers such as Adam Carolla and others are in clear violation of. I will spare you the boring details this time of the wording of the patents, but it boils down to if Mcdonalds went to Burger King and said, “we put pickles on our burger first, so you can’t do that!” I have a pickle for Personal Audio, guess where they can stick it? A donation firm called E.F.F. recently won a court decision saying that Personal Audio’s subpoena to obtain information donors information was deemed in a way, “unconstitutional” under the first amendment. So this will help protect the privacy of those crowdfunding donors who choose to stay private with their information. As far as my stance, Positive Sarcasm stands completely behind the podcasters, the subscribers, the crowdfunding companies and the donors who’ve supported them. However, this is far from over.
FIRST DATE
Most guys have two pairs of jeans, one with holes and one without holes; Gals have an entire catalog of clothing, none of which that seem to be of any value come that first date. Even if the guy they found in the internet seems more like a throw-away than a potential keeper, they still prefer dressing for success. The reason is that while the date is going along with awful conversation about jobs, weather and past relationships, the girl is scanning the room for potential that she may consider after she hastily discards of the sweaty-palmed GameStop Assistant Manager. Her social media has been updated since she went to the bathroom to “pee”, so now every person knows that not only is she on a first date, but that it’s going as well as the Titanic’s maiden voyage. Also as the dude is struggling to achieve simple conversation, that piece of ass that she has on standby just texted her because his night just opened up coincidently shortly after her S.O.S. post on Facebook only a few minutes earlier. So as she says goodnight to her date with a fake smile and a half-hearted hug, the guy flees around the corner to blast out that Cool Ranch Dorito fart he’s been holding in for the entire date before heading home and pleasuring himself with cocoa butter, while the girl who says she’s going home to let her cat out is actually heading over to Tyler’s place for a well-coordinated backup booty call…Meow. Let’s try to figure out what went wrong.
FYI, I also have problems maintaining more than two or three decent pairs of jeans, it seems that a couple pair will cease to be wearable within days of one another and if I leave the store with five new pairs, two or three pair will randomly burst into flames, but I digress. Back to the main topic, first off ladies, that guy your meeting for the first time is single for a reason, he either trolls for lost souls on multiple dating sites so he can build up an arsenal of ladies or his gingivitis reaches your nostrils before his words do. The guy also likely rubbed one out right before the date so that it would be less stressful, so believing that he probably didn’t wash his hands properly, you strategically go for a little hug over a handshake…but that was a poor decision also. To avoid any accidental snot rockets, the guy chronically picked his nose all while in his car and before he had a chance to eat the last one, the girl came around the corner; which surprised him. He panics and when the girl goes in for the lazy hug, Johnny Rocket Snot conveniently deposits the sticky DNA onto the back of her blouse. If I smell my food before I eat, you should smell your date’s hands before shaking them. If they seem a little salty, then everything is fine. If they smell like they’ve been out in the field picking mushrooms, bolt for the door.
Men, take note, if the ladies do not text or contact you within a week after the date, it’s official that you’ve been written off. So never bother texting the girl first, if they’re not hitting you up for any reason, just move on. Never be the first one to text after a first date. If they’ve forgotten about you, then they’re not worth pursuing at that time.
This s#&t isn’t made up people, this is very common. Unless you’re a goddamn Astronaut, women don’t care about what you do for work, ladies treat men like used cars, they look around the lot, determine the mileage and peace out. As for guys unless you’re looking for short term companionship, don’t use your Willy Wonka as a compass, it’s partially blind and has no brain in the immediate area.
There may be a part two to this in the future, but for now, start with this information and see what happens. Love is in the air.
THE PROMISED LAND
“Pack your s#%t dear, we’re out of this place!” says every state Senator to their spouse and/or mistress as they pack up the passport, convert all their cash to some foreign currency and catch the first international flight out of the promise land. Please note that I do not rant about politics, but merely ask a question that in my mind seems plausible: What if our entire Federal Government left?
It happens in other countries, Presidents skip town, military forces seize control, I’m just wondering what happens after everyone in the Executive branch, the house, the senate and whatever else one may deem federal just either quits or bolts for the border. Now you’re more likely to be raped by a Unicorn than to have an entire government cease to operate permanently. I know that we’ve had shutdowns and whatnot in the past few years, but unlike others, this year I felt no effects of it. In fact, my taxes were processed faster than any other year. But what if Peggy in accounting wasn’t receiving her bi-weekly paycheck, why the hell would she want to process mine? It’s true that states have their own governing bodies, but many are reliant on federal grants and other types of funding in order to operate. California’s bankrupt, Detroit is on life support and seriously, what would possess you to visit Delaware? As a result of the disbanding government, Texas would separate itself from the Union faster than Popeye’s Chicken through your lower intestine. So, where does that leave Oklahoma? Actually nobody cares about Oklahoma.
So here we are, no leader, no federal government, nobody to represent our population of chicken nuggets and TMZ. Those aren’t even exports. We’re now forty-nine states and we can’t move. America is fat, so it’s time to shed some weight!
I mentioned that Texas bolted at the first sign of trouble, don’t worry they’ll be fine. They’ll adopt Oklahoma and turn it into a cattle ranch/barbeque pit. Florida will either flood out or consume itself. It’s too damn hot, half the state is crawling with lunatics and the either half without their government checks won’t be able to afford trifocals, so that problem will fix itself.
So Florida, Texas and Oklahoma are out. What about Hawaii? Pack a C-130 cargo plane and airdrop them a large supply of SPAM every six months. Problem solved, Hawaii stays. Washington DC will be absorbed by Virginia and they’ll turn Capital Hill into a bunch of museums, hotels and buffet joints. So Virginia stays, but only if they look after their slower brother, West Virginia.
As far as Alaska is concerned, unless you plan on speaking Russian, I suggest you start learning the Canadian National Anthem. No we’re down to forty-six. Few more states and we may be able to see our genitals again.
Now what about Vermont? Pretty useless state, right? Then again, so are New Hampshire and Maine. When combining the population of these three states, it’s merely percentage points against the rest of the remaining US. So guess what New England? Half of you are going back! New England… meet Old England. So when one crosses the Massachusetts border, they better have their passport ready for Her Majesty, The Queen. The Brits deserve a little breathing room anyway, all cramped on that island, how about you spread your wings and break in your new Aston Martin with a speed run through Burlington? Do whatever you want; it’s yours now! Rhode Island’s owned by mobsters anyway, so scratch them off the list of contributors. Forty-two states left.
Montana we’ll keep, because once Texas bolts, Ted Nugent is going to need his own state and North Dakota clearly isn’t big enough. We’ll hang on to Idaho for starch purposes. Kansas and Nebraska we’ll give back to the Native Americans. I would’ve also suggested New Mexico, but someone needs to keep an eye on Texas, because Arkansas and Louisiana certainly aren’t up to the task. I mentioned Delaware earlier. Dude, what are you doing? You’re Maryland, stop pretending that you’re a different state.
Finally, I would like to congratulate the state of California on becoming a tax haven in this new Union. No more losing movie contracts to Vancouver, rolling blackouts or corrupt public officials. You’re officially on notice California. You better straighten these problems out or you’re not getting an invite to this party. Consider yourself warned, because I have no problem cutting your state in two and selling the lower half to Japan.
For now though, the union stands much stronger, leaner and well populated with thirty-nine glorious states. We’ll have to teach Alabama how to count that high first; then we can start working on the smaller problems.
Welcome to the new world, thirty-nine strong and our stock’s rising.
COLLEGE BOUND & GAGGED
When one loses something, it’s always important to retrace your steps as this method has a very high success rate in finding whatever it is that you misplaced. So be sure to apply this method when you completely lose your goddamn mind after seeing your overall debt from two to four years of college where you spent an easy six figures just to land your dream job making thirteen dollars an hour and working six days a week making your financial situation more stretched out then Octo-Mom on the delivery table.
Newsflash, we’re not all doctors and accountants, would you really want me planning out your cancer treatments? “Alright Mrs. Morrison, you need to up your daily spoonfuls of sugar from two to four and remember to schedule your weekly marshmallow injections here at the office.” My mother always told me that Jolly Ranchers beat Leukemia all day, so I trust her judgment. However why do current curriculums allow college students to believe that degrees in English Literature or Illustration are useful in the real world? Yeah I’ll be the first one in line to congratulate you on this piece of paper with raised lettering that took you four years to get and cost eighty grand and you can’t start paying back the principal of the loan because your bachelors degree Douchemaker State College will land you a promising job waiting tables at a Mexican themed restaurant that boasts about it’s mediocre Chimichangas.
Every recent article I’ve read says that going to college returns on average much less in the current economy, but not going at all is a career death sentence. So you have an option between being in debt by the time you turn 21 or you can be turned down for almost every single administrative job that would pay you just enough to land you a studio apartment just outside the city. Oh, and expect to be driving the same car that you’ve had since high school, you know the Volkswagon Golf with the missing hubcaps and cassette player. You’ll be so broke that you won’t able to afford even your own personality.
Now please understand, the situation in the states is probably not going to improve anytime soon, so instead of throwing in the towel and feeding off the government like a lot of obese calorie hoarders in this country, let’s make the most out of what we have and turn this s&#t sandwich into a nice chicken salad. First off, that Volkswagon is a huge plus when it comes to gas prices, it seats four, tires are less expensive and you plenty of room in the hatchback for where you plan to travel. So I say schedule it for a strong tune up, replace the rims with some highway friendly factory wheels and make sure you keep up on the cosmetic appearance as well. Pretty soon your 200,000 mile, fifteen year-old backroad bomber is transformed into a respectable post college hipster mobile. Also the backseats fold down for extra storage and if you have an iPod or MP3 player, that cassette deck turns into your very own DJ Tiesto!
I mentioned studio apartments earlier…I actually am a fan of the one room party pad, cuz let’s be honest, roommates suck. They never clean up, they’re late on the rent, they eat all your groceries, and forget to lock the door. I say what better way to learn how to become a more responsible adult then to manage 400 square feet of hardwood heaven. You can “Craigslist” decorate anyway you choose, choose your own cable and internet plan (if you want any at all) plus your cereal and ramen noodles will still be there in the morning and not be eaten by that smelly vermin you call a roommate. Your own little spot that noone can alter or take away from you…unless your late on the rent.
As for choosing colleges, unless you’re smart enough for a four degree in a legitimate paying field, go for a two year degree in a high demand field or at least a more job market friendly degree. An Associates degree on average can render just as much reward as a Bachelors degree. Plus you’re not burnt out after two years, you’re ready to hit the market and make some kind of paycheck. Internships are recommended if you can find them. Don’t expect anything from anyone including your parents or immediate family. They can barely afford to look at you, let alone pay for your tuition or rent, plus if you plan on having a safe social life, colleges are cracking down on partying due to the increased liability that causes room and board prices to skyrocket. So it’s financially smarter to just get your own place off campus so that you can sip your cheap whisky in peace and quiet, plus you can peacefully get your rocks either by yourself or with the opposite sex without an assigned roommate barging in unexpectedly because they were just kicked out of math class.
So let’s see what we have so far, a decent car, an apartment, a degree in a good field, and a completely private social life. By living off campus, your college debt will be much lower, you’ll save a bunch of money in gas with your little front-wheel drive grocery getter, and if you live near the city center, you can also walk to places which also comes in handy incase you need jimmy hats or had a little too much…alcohol. I can only complain about the education system and the economy so much, it’s up to you to make the best out of the situation that’s available.
As for an inexpensive beer, I recommend either Schaefer or Narrangansett. Trust me, Pabst Blue Ribbon is only for if you have a fiber deficiency.